26/7/81 (SUNDAY) [proof that emo is nothing new]

It's Sunday night and late... I'm sitting in my bed... and I'm MIXED UP.

When I was @ the age when people were all teeny-bopperish, I didn't care much for rock-stars, movie stars, "the Bay City Rollers"... it was all crap to me. Mum and I never fought, we always got on well... she never fussed (much) and everything was "cool". Now I have found an 'interest' in various people of the show-business world, Mum and I are not getting on so well. I think it's cause she thinks I'm being stupid... wasting my time... maybe she's so vague she hasn't even noticed the tension... I have. I even cried tonight cause she turned my tape off because E had to "get to sleep". We've never, ever had the problem of "loud music"... we've nver bitterly fought, not that we are now, but the tension's building. Maybe it's "just a stage I'm going through". I'm determined not to make a big deal of my little fancies at school, people will get sick of me. I think my problem is I'm just impatient to meet someone to love and to love me... so, I release my emotions on symbols, such as Adam Ant.

I'm trying so hard not to slip into exaggerated, childish talk, like - "I love him, he's so sexy". But I do, and he is. I'd be so exposed if anyone read this journal. I'm it and it's me... we are one. Although I don't write all my inner-most thoughts in it, it's still fairly personal.

Here's a poem I wrote on Friday night. It's pretty indicative of how I feel.

SALAD DAYS 24/7/81

1. THE ACHING HOLLOW RESONATES WITHIN MY EMPTY SOUL

AS I PONDER, PONDER, PONDER

I CONCLUDE MY LIFE SHOULD BE COMPLETE

BUT IS IT?

2. I FEEL LOVE AND WARMTH AND HAPPINESS

FOR MYSELF AND OTHERS

YET THERE IS STILL SOMETHING

MISSING...

3. EACH TIME I SET MY AIMS ANEW

I PREPARE FOR TOTAL SATISFACTION, AS I PLUMP

THE PILLOW SOFT

ONLY TO BE SHATTERED AGAIN...

4. THE MULTITUDINOUS PIECES REASSEMBLE AS IF

AGAINST MY WILL,

I TAKE MY POSITION, HEAD HELD HIGH TO

REASSERT MY HOPE.

5. BUT WILL I BE WHOLE WHEN I FIND THE

EVASIVE PIECE TO THE PUZZLE OF LOVE?

OR WILL I HUNT ANOTHER REASON FOR

DESPAIR?

6. I CARRY NO CRIPPLING DISFIGUREMENTS, NOR

ILL-HEALTH NOR PAINFUL SHYNESS.

I AM NOT NEUROTIC OR PARANOID...

I AM ME.

7. WHERE IS MY HEATHCLIFF?

COME IN FROM THE MOORS, I WANT TO SHOW YOU

I AM ME... FORGET CATHY, SHE CANNOT LOVE

YOU AS I CAN, LET ME SHOW YOU...

8. FACES IN THE STREET, SOME SENSUOUS, SOME

REPELLING, SOME CONFUSED, SOME HAPPY, OTHERS

SAD. THEY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO BE HAPPY. I AM

HAPPY.

9. BUT... THERE IS ALWAYS THE BUT.

I SEARCH FOR THE ABSENT INGREDIENT, I NEED

IT QUICKLY, FOR THE CAKE IS RISING -

IF ONLY...

Personally, I like the seventh verse - it expresses well how I feel... IMPATIENT. I keep saying to myself "I should be totally happy". Maybe I am and I don't know it.

* * *

I must write down of my little diversion of which I devote so much thought to lately. Last night, N and I went into the city to see "Tess" by Roman Polanski (Thomas Hardy's Tess of the D'Urbervilles). The photography reflected Polanski' sensitive awareness of beauty and the movie was lovely. When that finished we rushed out and ran to Swanston St. to see Alec Jarman's "Jubilee" in which, so we had heard, Adam Ant made a "brief appearance."

N and I were prepared to be disappointed cause we thought he'd only be on for a second. So we went in, it's rated [R] and sat down. It was a tiny cinema with about ten people in it. On screen was a punk woman, really butch, make-up, a-symmetrical spiked hair - THE WORKS.

After a weird ballet scene, a meeting with Queen Elizabeth I, there was a scene in a cafe. And there he was, the most gorgeous little guy sitting in a booth talking to a main character - a girl called Crabs (delightful!).

He looked much younger than he is now, he seemed about 18 or so (the film was made in 1977) and he was wearing clear cats-eye sort of glasses. He didn't have his proper "ant makeup" on, but he had little lines at the side of his face. Anyway, he's sitting there with this girl, talking to her.


She asks him what he does, and he says he's a musician. She takes off his glasses and says "Shit, you're gorgeous." They keep on talking, he's such a quiet little cutey.






(Crabs was played by Little Nell, Nell Cambpell, who also played Columbia in the Rocky Horror Picture Show)















Columbia

The next time he came on, he was @ the punk's house, lying on his tummy on the bed, with Crabs lying/sitting on his back, rubbing his back up and down underneath his tee-shirt. He's wearing cute braces to hold up his baggy pants and his tattoo saying "Pure Sex" is peeping out from his t-shirt. Anyway, Crabs is getting so excited, trying to turn Adam "the Kid" on, but he's just lying there with his chin cupped in his hands, with a bored look on his face, not responding at all! watching the t.v. [This was so good, cause if he had been "responding" all my dreams would have been "shattered". Then we see him at an audition, singing "Plastic Surgery" after telling thte boss in his cute, quiet voice that he doesn't want money, he just doesn't want to be "ripped off". He laughs and runs around a bit, then does his audition.

After he gets signed up, he and these two brothers go for a walk - during which one of the brothers (Angel) tells Adam about how he'd grown up in a high-rise flat etc. It was a really sad story but Adam kept giggling and snorting and grinning - he looked like a beautiful little boy. He is beautiful!

My favourite time we saw him was when all the butch punk women and the two brothers etc were in the flat and Adam was just watching his own video of the audition on the T.V. He was sitting really close to the screen, and when he saw himself, he kissed the screen and then licked it. I can tell you - IT WAS SUCH A TURN ON!! HE IS SO BEAUTIFUL LOOKING!!!!

In the end he got bashed up by these two cops, who later got killed by the punk girls.

MG X

PAGE TWO HUNDRED!

Would you believe that the date today is 8/7/81? Yes, you'd better believe it! This is the second time in 2 days that I have written.

Today [we] bought the "Ant" tickets for the concert - it should be GREAT! I'm so excited, I don't know what to wear! Something way out - I can't wait.

...

On Saturday night, D's having a sort of small gathering/party - that should be fun. Apparently K is going - fair enough. BUT, and here's the good news, Pubic Hair Bear and S might be going too. I've heard all about these two chappies - the most hated boys in Queen's College. T was with Bear a couple of times; she likes his body but not his mind. He's a real SEX-BOY!

Apparently S is so crude, but T likes him, thinks he's funny. She thinks he's got a sexy face, so I'll have to check him out. As I've heard so much about htem, I'm dying to see them, just see what they look like. I also want to see M, V's lover, who is apparently very horny and KINKY. So, should be an enlightening and interesting evening!

-----------

13th of July

It's getting onto 11 o'clock and the long-weekend is drawing to a close. Tonight, Dad, E and I returned from [beach town near Phillip Island] where we spent yesterday and today. Last night, we decided to go into Wonthaggi to have a chinese meal at Wah Fook's "joint". The headlights on the Passat weren't working properly, and Dad couldn't see the road at all with high-beam on. So, we drove to Wonthaggi on highbeam, turning it off when cars drove past in the other direction. It was only a 10 min. drive, but we passed a number of cars. We almost had to pull to a standstill cause Dad couldn't see where he was going, especially as the other car's headlights would "blind" him. Luckily, we got to Wah Fook's, had a nice meal, and happily made it home/

At the moment I'm sitting in my room listening to DEVO Whip It, on a cassette. I love the Ants' new single "Stand and Deliver."

[insert here of some lyrics.]

He's so sexy. All the way home from [beach town] I fantasised about him! He's so goodlooking! Exquisite bone structure. I'd love to walk into a party with him and introduce him to everyone, especially S. Wow! That would be the biggest buzz I can ever imagine happening in my whole life.

Well, the DJ on 3XY (1422 on the dial) has just announced it's 11.05pm so I think I'll go and listen to Adam.

Bye, MG X.

i'm torn

i'm torn between writing a contemporary post on a friend who is ex-ing herself from me, as we speak, over stupid, imbecilic iss-ews with a hen's weekend, and she's trying to undermine me with other closer friends, doing her best to tear me down. torn between writing about that, which would end up scathing, nasty and puerile, and continuing with our nice little comfortable '80s flash-back pieces, where there is nothing more offensive than the fact that when i was 17 i had a crush on a man who played a transexual and wears a corset and an inexplicable bigotry against people living in wangaratta.

i think i'll go with the second option. it's just nicer somehow. and to be sure, there is drama just around the corner. so, dear readers, let us away to the middle of 1981.

---------------------------

22/6/81

After "studying hard" today I find myself in a bored state, and having endlessly played with the guitar and talked to E dans francais, I now turn to my lovely little book for something to do. I didn't get to Golden Bowl today, and I ate so much: -

- stacks of biscuits (> 10 I'm sure)

- Roast Pork for dinner

- bacon & egg pie (2 slices)

- 2 slices of apple pie

- 2 apples... mmm, I think that's enough!

Tomorrow I'm going to "hit the Bowl" and work off what I ate today, and more.

My heroes at the moment are:_

1. John McEnroe
1. Adam of the Ants - (Stuart Goddard)
{toss up between those two}

2. Tim Curry (Dr Franken-furter)

3. Leroy

4. Jonathan Garrett

5. Mick Jagger

Loverboy?

MY GOD! Talk about teeny-bopper! I'd be so embarrassed if anyone found this book and read it. When I'm "old, grey and bent" I'll look back on this and think......


mmmmm........ SUCK!

-------------------------------

28/6/81

Tomorrow I have my Geography Exam, I hope I know enough for it.

D & I were talking on the phone, and G has written to S saying me and D can go up to QLD & stay with him and S @ September.

I'm going to have to work for Dad to get the money - IT SHOULDN'T take long to save up for the expenses.

After the exams, Dad said we'd talk about oue O/S trip at the end of the year. I want to get things organised - I want to know if it's definitely either "on" or "off" cause I don't want to be wondering about it all year.

I'm determined to STOP EATING ALL FATTENING FOODS.

If I go to QLD, I've got a little over 6 weeks till the holidays start, so I'm going to get on the way to being slim.

DETERMINATION IS THE KEY WORD!

I don't know how many times I've tried to lose weight, but this time I'm going to make it work.

It will be so good if Dad and I go away @ the end of the year. I think the trip would probably bring us closer in many ways - it would be interesting to see how well we got on together, how we cooperated with each other, etc. etc.

I've also decided I'm going to get ultra-fit through exercise at the Golden Bowl etc. It's fun as well as being healthy.

I have to psych. myself into really trying my hardest tomorrow in Geog. To think clearly, and USE MY HEAD. I'm also going to really work hard @ school in this 2nd half of the year. I'm not going to watch any television during the week, I'm not going to go out much (apart from the G.B.) I'm going to do my utmost to do my best in HSC @ the end of the year in every subject.

Then, if I know I have done my best, I can go away with Dad, perfectly satisfied that I couldn't have done any better.

I'd better start by going and reading before I go to sleep.

GIVE ME STRENGTH TO HELP MYSELF

MG X

-----------------------------

7/7/81

Considering the men's single finals for Wimbledon 1981 took place last Saturday night, and one of my favourite men in the whole world won it, I thought I'd put in this little picture of John McEnroe to show whoever reads this just how cute he is.

[insert pic of tousle-headed, cheeky-faced, VERY YOUNG LOOKING mc enroe]

The last 3 weeks have been pretty public for McEnroe. His temper caused a storm at Wimbledon, especially his fiery semi-final with Queenslander Rod Frawley, and McEnroe left Wimbledon on the weekend with fines totalling over $12,000.

So many people hate him, and so many love him!

You either feel one or the other for him. His 4:6, 7:6, 7:6, 6:4 win over 5 time Wimbledon single's winner Bjorn Borg won McEnroe a few extra fans, but his rude absence at the formal and traditional Wimbledon dinner lost him a few too.

I don't know whether I personally think J. McEnroe is justified in his behaviour - I think I honestly believe that it is just him, I don't think he turns on the anger to divert his opponent. I don't think he deserves the name "SUPERBRAT" although I agree he is rude. I strongly believe that when he plays a match, his notorious reputation causes everyone in the audience (except the umpire and tournament referee) to wish him to "explode". Certainly, boos, gibes, and clapping at his errors do not help.

During his match with Borg, McEnroe kept his temper and won the game. There is no doubt about it... he is a brilliant tennis player, but his victory unfortunately seems to have been marred by several incidents during and after the tournament.

At a press conference, a fight broke out between American journalists and English writers, and a physical brawl erupted after McEnroe walked out - disgusted with the questions asked to him, which he considered irrelevant to his tennis career.

McEnroe has had the most publicity in the last 3 weeks than he has probably received in his whole life time.

I admire John McEnroe for his tennis AND for his personality. Don't faint! I really do like his guts for standing up, for what he truly believes is correct. I don't believe he tries to cheat, I think he only tries to fight for what he honestly thinks is right. It is not his nature to "grin and bear it". If he thinks he has deservedly won a point by fighting justly for it, he won't want to give it away without enquiring as to why. Would anyone?

Anyway, without getting too involved on paper here, I'll just conclude by saying John McEnroe is near the top of my list!

***********************

Ah... now after whipping up my editorial for "the MelbourneGirl Review" I can relax and write freely. The above "piece of literature" is truly my own view.

Not having written in my little book for quite a while, there is a bit to say.

Well, I got my exam results back and I am really pleased, even though I didn't work as hard as I can. Biology I was wrapped in when I found that over 1/2 of the biol. students failed, and my mark was top of the class! (63%). Literature too, was 2nd top of the class (64% - top mark was 65%)

French I was very surprised with, I didn't even bother to add up the % of my written exam until I did my oral cause I didn't think I'd done too well, I thought I'd got a "D" but I nearly got a "B". RAPTURE!!

As for Expression, well that's my highest mark (79%) and hopefully I'll be able to improve on that by the end of the year.

Now I resolve to work really hard! I'm determined to get 320* or over at the end of the year. I'm mentally and physically capable of "such a feat" and if I work my hardest it should be cool.

Aerobics is going well, I think my figure's improving. I'm determined to look thinner for QLD, all I have to do is persevere.

On the weekend I went down to [beachside town] with Dad and the others. The house is great! I can't wait to get down there with D, S & D. It'll be great just to get away from Melb!

On the way down, Dad told me he couldn't take me overseas! I cried all the way down... I couldn't stop... it was so disappointing - all my hopes DASHED!

Then I though a bit, and realised how selfish I was being, Dad must surely be disappointed too... so I stopped and Dad said I could go by myself or with a friend(s) and he'd pay... so we'll see what happens. He said he can't afford to take 3 months off work and not earn any money, and then the next year pay fees for E & R.

I can understand clearly, so I said so and cheered up. Oh well! If we don't have dreams - what do we have???

On Friday night, me, D & S went to various comedy cafes to see/hear T's tram act (he imitates trams). T is a lovely boy and we went to 3 or 4 places with him (he drove us) and we got into all the spots for free. ("Catch a Rising Star", "The Last Laugh" "Comedy Theatre" etc) It was a great night and I enjoyed it thoroughly.

"John McEnroe 4 ever!"

(sick)

MG X







* in the old Higher School Certificate system, for your 5 subject, you got the total percentage points of the best 4, plus 10% of the 5th subject. If you did 6 subjects, you got 10% also of the 6th. Over 300 was considered very good.