i could have been a contender...

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[Post redux number 1. This from 27th July, 2005.]

From the time when I used to put a lot of effort into posts, and because it was so time-consuming, didn't care about capitalisation. Sorry Perseus. If it offends thine eyes, look away now.

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someone told me I needed to write poetry, to unleash the beast, so to speak. i think my beast does better in prose.

however…

this is dedicated to the people who drew me here and have kept me here thus far
[i hope you don’t mind awful poetry written on the trot]:

the punchy wit of tough ms fits
the mind labyrinthine of baps la nadine
the pastries all puffy of uber-friend fluffy
the deep red haze of schizo roguemaze
the little boy lost of cotton socks
the smart-aleksdom of you know who [I have a soft spot for aleks]
and there’s a new one on my list, mike who really likes bikes
and believe it or not, the mystery man who really made me check out blogging
[saving him to the end of this piece so i can show you a magic trick]

here I was, thinking I don't have much to offer in the way of fame and fortune. i am no actor, director, no tv writer, no cool and popular girl with curly hair and “a rack that won’t quit” [can’t get that image out of my head, for some reason]. i don’t have a link to a pirate glossary on my site [LOVE that pirate glossary, i covet it]

i sat and thought and realised i do have something to offer, i could tell you the ways in which I have been so close to everlasting bigness, but always with a no cigar result.

i have said here that i am an observer. the cool stuff doesn’t happen to me, but sometimes it happens around me.

here are the ways that I have almost started the stop-watch on those warholian 15 minutes:

childhood
when i was a kid i met Happy Hammond





.










he had a side-kick called Joffa Boy, and it was in the late ‘60s it must have been. [they could have put me in their tv show, but didn't]

when i was a bit older i used to play with the two brothers who now run the globe skateboarding empire [one of them was a complete prick and used to try to make me give him a hand job]. they're now in the top whatever rich bastards in australia, you know that list. [one of them could have become my childhood sweetheart, then dated me, then proposed, then married me. now i could be living in a $10M mansion in hawthorn.]

early adulthood, say 19/20 years oldabout 20 years ago my girlfriend and I went to a nightclub in the city because

 













mel gibson was appearing there with that virginia somebody chick who was in mad max two with him. he was up and coming, and young. we went and huddled in dark corners, drinking beer and watching him at a table being surrounded by sycophants. we were about to leave [boring] when we saw him get up from the table and walk to the men’s. we positioned ourselves outside and when he came out, my friend went up to him. this is what happened. she put her hand on his arm – “mel”, she said
“yes,” he said [very shyly and kind of coy, it was weird]
“can I kiss you?” she said
“I guess so,” he said.
so she kissed him on the cheek, he kind of did the blush thing and said “thanks.”
we went screaming out of the place, ran up the stairs still screaming, up the street, into the car and screamed all the way home. whenever we stopped at a traffic light, we would look at each other, and scream again. [he could have noticed me, instantly fallen in love with me, and married me. then it would be me with 25 children, saggy tits, and mel for a hubby]

the next one is about michael hutchence. the same girlfriend from the mel experience and I saw them at some dive in waverley. we were there to see the support act and stayed to “see what the next band were like.” hutchence kept taking my friend’s porkpie hat [yes they were in way before britney did them] off her head and wearing it. [he could have taken my hat off my head, and then married me] [even though i wasn't wearing a hat]

now i'm about 23 or something
i have been on tv twice. once in a video clip for huxton creepers [onscreen perhaps 3 secs]. coincidentally my grade 5 boyfriend was in that band, and he is now also in this band
[he also could have married me, and now i'd be a rock-chick-wife]. but he's a pisshead so maybe that's not such a good fantasy.

the other time on tv was This is Your Life. but it wasn't me, but a school friend. you know the drill; as one of those people who tells a funny story about the famous person they went to school with, and then they cutaway to the famous personage in question and they are laughing with a fond look in the eye. well, in my case, the camera showed the famous person sitting on the couch just after I told my witty bit, and she squinted her eyes and looked confused. she didn’t recognise who I was. [she couldn't have married me, i accept that. but we could have become best friends and she could have taken me to the swanky parties]

miscellaneous
there is a very, very minor big brother contestant who parks his saab outside my house. bet he didn’t have a saab before he went on. no way.

my grandfather met Price Phillip, and Alfred Hitchcock [they could have adopted me]

my godmother is daughter of a famous australian artist [he could have given me a painting, just one would have been nice]

my mum’s friend met spike milligan [he could have given me a job. or married me]

my dad’s second cousin is helen garner [she could have requested to see her 3rd cousin twice removed, and asked to see the three or four unfinished books i have lying around

my dad went to school with hostage dude doug wood [he could have marr... no maybe not]

my mum went to school with pixie skase. she could have become my second mother and then i could have stolen chris from her and... no maybe not

i once stayed in the house of a roadie of van morrison’s [ either could have married me. except i met neither]

i once burned a hole in molly meldrum’s leather jacket [um, pass] [that was on purpose]

i once did the same to the denim jacket of a rrr radio announcer [er, hip radio dj dude] [the burn was an accident] [i did love him at the time, but, wasn't to be] [now i think he's a dick]

i met gary ablett at a book signing, he blessed my child [I was pregnant at the time] [and i was married, so he couldn't marry me, just as well i guess]

my cousin met the king of spain [my cousin could have invited me along on the yacht so that I could have met the king of spain]

so with all these connections you’d think I’d be a natch to be up there with the celebs.

but alas, I’ll just have to make do with my fantasy world here. and my real world. which is real.

ps the mystery man is andrew landeryou. I can summon him at will
“andrew come and comment on my blog!”

just wait and see, he will appear…