the letter F

i've been tagged by squib to do a meme. remember them?

so it's 10 things starting with the letter F.

easy peasy. here goes.

F is for Fire. The last 10 days have been awful for Victoria, regardless of whether you've been "in them" or not. I have never been so teary in my life over something not directly involving me.

F is for Fire-fighters. Fucking heroes the lot of them. I'm one of those people who hates the bandying around of the word "hero". Sports stars are not heroes; people who save drowning children are.

F is for Fear. I can't imagine the fear of the people trapped, and as they were dying. It must have been very painful. Fear is something I conjure for myself most days. If anyone is familiar with the World According to Garp (novel) the central character is a catastrophising parent. I am sometimes that parent. I think I figure if I think about it, there's no way it will come true. Silly I know.

F is for Fortitude. Yesterday, I was telling my daughter that the guts and courage of the CFA as well as others who fought the fires was incredibly inspiring to me, and symbolic of not just the Australian character, but the essence of humanity. We have hope, we don't give up, we keep going. Generally, this is true of all people, and it moves me to tears at times.

F is for Friendship. As Jerry Seinfeld said, "I'm not hiring." I know that sounds ridiculous and self-obsessed, but at my age I don't need too many more friends. The last couple of years, after losing a couple because they just weren't working (what is it about keeping these relationships going when they make you feel shit to be around them and you really don't even like them/have much in common/understand them?) Life, I've realised, is too short to be having high-maintenance friends. I'm the only one who's allowed to be high maintenance, but that's in my intimate relationship, not with friends. I behave with them and am really quite good. I think I am a good friend, I'm a good listener, I care, and I always try to help people, even strangers.

F is for Fish. I love it. What can I say? I could eat fish every day almost. I love fish 'n' chips, but not often. I love salmon, whole schnapper, flathead. Hell, I even like anchovies. I thought Anne Anchovie in Snugglepot and Cuddlepie the most glamorous creature I'd ever seen when I was little.

F is for Flummery. When I was little, my mum used to make a dessert that was a mint blancmange concoction, which resonated with my literary world at the time (Enid Blyton jolly good hijinks etc). This flummery was mint flavoured, and while as an adult I'm not a big mint fan, my memory of this dessert is that IT WAS SUBLIME. On top I think there was cream and then some GRATED MINT AERO CHOCOLATE BAR.

F is for Fool. I like to think I am one of those people who don't suffer fools gladly. I am intolerant of what I see as slowness, or stupidity, or intolerance. But really, deep down, I think I am probably a fool, one of those I condemn. I bear all the hallmarks. I talk too much at times. I can't be quick to judge, very opinionated, and stubborn about being right. I think I am right all the time, can be boring to other people, selfish and rude. I'm not quite sure how I arrived here, I think it's to do with being hurt alot but I am devoting the second half of my life to trying to not be a fool.

F is for Fiction. Recently, I've realised I've gone off fiction quite a bit. I was puzzled for a while, wondering if I'd simply reached saturation point, or whether all the stories and plots and characters were starting to repeat. Anything that goes like this:

So and so returns to the house of her childhood, and with her siblings who have each been on journeys of their own, she starts to make sense of the memories that keep returning. As she rebuilds the chook-run, so she rebuilds her life.

I know I can't go there. I can't seem to stand most popular fiction, though don't get me wrong, I can lose myself easily in the crap. I just read a book on the Jaidyn Leskie murder.

I crave literary fiction, but as it seems to be hard to do well, it's hard to find. I don't want to discover new authors, but I do want to read retrospectively. So I am looking up the golden oldies slowly; I want to read more Hemingway, I want to read the Russian authors, the French and more Australian authors, ie Patrick White. I want to read books that either aren't anything like what I want to write, or ones that are, but I'm always scared of stumbling across one of my stories that's already been done. Stephen King, who wrote one of the best books on writing said that reading is research. Read, read, read. Well, I've been doing that since I was little, voraciously. When is the time to stop reading, and start doing? I've been doing since I was a teenager - first the cruddy, autobiographical stories, then the ridiculous plots with one-dimensional characters, no dialogue and too much description. So I am learning. Learning to be very sparing with adjectives, to show by doing not telling, how to craft believable intersting dialogue.

I think really if I keep cramming my head with fiction, then there's no room for my stories to grow. There's no room for me to keep in mind that I'm trying not to be a fool, and trying to grow up more myself.

F is for Food. Interesting that I got this far without even thinking of food. I guess I did the Fish one as a separate thing. Could I combine them? Then I get an extra berth for my ramblings. No, best push on.

So, food. Anytime I think I'm definitely a savoury type of person, I come across a special sweetness. I do like ice cream, sometimes it talks to me from the freezer, but mostly I can ignore the voice. If there is a certain cream sponge party cake in the fridge, left over from a kid's birthday, that is the voice I can't ignore. It is the best cream sponge cake in the world. Yes, even better than the Patterson's chocolate roll sponge cake, which used to be the standard birthday cake in our family, until I discovered this other one.

At the moment, I am doing no carbs after 12 noon. It's going well actually. For while I do eat healthily, and don't have a junk food problem, I do have a struggle with portion control. So I will cook pastas and rice dishes, and find it very hard to eat small portions of those dishes.

I adore eggs. I could eat eggs almost every day. Poached eggs on crumpets are ace. Scrambled are good, avec les fines herbes which my aunt gave me, a mix of dried parsley, tarragon and chives.

I do love a good steak, but tend not to cook it at home. When we go out, I often order steak. Other people might order seafood when out, because they don't cook that at home. I'm the other way. I cook lots of seafood at home - it's something I can do well. I'm not scared of cooking seafood.

If I had to list my favourite carbs in order it would be:

1. pasta

2. rice

3. potatoes

4. bread

I'm not one of those bread addicts. I can take it or leave it. Rice and pasta are probably very close equals on the list, but pasta has more variety. Potatoes beat bread only because you can mash them, with butter and milk and then eat little bits straight from the pot which still have melty butter in them. There is a fabulous Nora Ephron scene in one of her books where the narrator's marriage is falling apart and she consoles herself with mashed potatoes, and eats every mouthful with a slice of butter on top of the spoon. And it always has to be butter, never margarine, or even that spreadable shit. We do have the spreadable, and I do use it on my toast occasionally, but butter is better for most everything else. On the subject of butter, my dad always uses butter on his toast, sandwiches. Butter which is rock hard, and he cuts it a certain way, so if you share his butter, you'd better do it right otherwise he will get shitty. He kind of slices off thick slabs of the stuff and rests them on the toast, maybe pushes them down a bit but doesn't even try to spread them. His mother used to do this, I remember being in awe of the butter and vegemite toast at my grandmother's place when we were kids, so obviously this is where he got it from.

If I had to choose vegetables or fruit I would choose vegetables hands down. I kind of have to remind myself or force myself to eat fruit. Strange, I know. But maybe something to do with that savoury vs sweetness thing. I love salads, and my idea of heaven is some cooked rice, topped with tinned salmon and salad. Or rice and steamed vegetables with some olive oil and salt. I also love cooking a single serve of spaghetti and tossing it through pan-fried spring onions, chopped fresh tomatoes, melted anchovies, olives etc - puttanesca is one of the most heavenly pastas you can have. Puttanesca is to carbonara as water is to mud.

do-re-me-me-me

so it's been a while between memes. and thanks to the delightful magical_m, we now have a new one.

i love that this is about clothes. ages ago i did a post about clothes i have loved and lost. i think the clothes and shoes we have worn and inhabited are as nostalgic as old photos and houses. does anyone dream of houses? i used to have a recurring dream which featured a building in the city which was unlike any i've seen, but seemed so real. i have never been to the nicholas building, but when i do finally go, and i will, i fully expect it to be the building from my dream.

to the meme.

WHEN I was 1, my parents dressed me in...

some sort of frilly shirt i imagine and wool tights? i don't know, ask my mother why don't you?

WHEN I was 5, I dressed myself in...

i don't think i was dressing myself at five. i would have been the spoilt and over-parented oldest child until i asserted my independence and moved away from mother at the age of 18. (just finished re-reading my mother, myself. by nancy friday. buy it and read it all you daughters/mothers.) what am i talking about, when i was five my bro was 2 and into the saucepan cupboard and under the sink and eating the toilet freshener and the cat food. i probably did dress myself. there is a photo of me in red woollen tights, mum's silk, spiky-heeled wedding shoes and a faux-fur ski hat, with glomesh evening bag, but i think that was "dress ups".

WHEN I was 7, my favourite outfit was...

it's a toss-up between my white, lace-up knee-length boots and cream knitted poncho which got spag bol sauce on it at leo's spaghetti bar one time; and an all-red outfit - a pants suit with flared trousers and a red top (with some white, horizontal bands across the chest) and white skivvie underneath. i remember i had pale brown boots that went over the pants, they were quite loose and went mid-calf. it was almost like the at-home-aboard-jupiter-2 outfits that the robinson girls wore, so i felt very penny in my red pantsuit.

MY favourite school photo outfit was...

the one when i was about 8 or so and i was wearing illicit gym boots (converse high-tops for you young people out there). my primary school had a uniform, but i would take my gym boots in my bag, and change into them on the street on the way to school, because my mother wouldn't let me wear them to school. but there i am, deceit fully displayed, right there in the front row of my grade 3 or 4 school photo.

IN high school the fashion trend I started was...

the school shoes with the t-bar strap. when i was in hsc everyone was still wearing the lace-up black school shoes. at the beginning of the year, i got a pair of the t-bars (well, me and another girl but I swear it was just us two and it was coincidental and a concurrent, non-conferenced decision). by the end of the year, many others did too. and then by the time my sister was in year 12, everyone had them. do you see the lace-ups anywhere now? i rest my case.

ON my first date the outfit I wore was...

i can't remember my first date. i don't think i had one (see '80s diaries). let me think...

nup. my first relationship went like this: i met a guy at a party, we pashed that night, i stayed at his place, but nothing else happened, honest, and after that we started hanging out. i was 18. then we moved in together. i wasn't a dating sort of person.

FOR my high school formal I wore...

a polyestery, burgundy-red frock with an elasticised waist, and some sort of shirring over the chest region. i think it had some sort of puffy sleeve as well. it wasn't awful, it was quite grown-up and mature and certainly not an '80s taffeta catastrophe. can't remember the shoes, but i think there was pantyhose involved. the shoe would have been a plain court-shoe with an ugly, conservative heel.

AT my 21st I wore...

i didn't have a 21st party. to celebrate my family and i went to tolarno's for dinner in st. kilda but i can't remember what i wore. i was living with my boyfriend at the time, and my mother gave me $300 to spend on myself. i spent it on bills. then later, when i was travelling i spent $300 on some gold jewellry, as a replacement present. then it all got stolen a few years after that while i was living overseas. (irrelevant information included because there is no substantial answer to this one).

THE oldest item of clothing I still wear is...

some fishnet stockings my mother had in the '60s. oh ok, i don't wear them, but i still have them. and sometimes, occasionally, almost never i do wear them. i plan to wear them next weekend, because we are going to a tour de france dinner, and while we eat french food, i will be wearing my fishnets.

THE item of clothing I wish I still had was...

those 2 mohair cardigans i bought more than 20 years ago, which have recently featured in the diary excerpts. also my shiny-lycra black full-length leggings - i reckon i could give them a red-hot go under a skirt with flat shoes.

MY current favourite item of clothing is...

the cheap ankle boots i picked up at dfo, but only teamed with my jag wide-leg jeans (the first i've had in years that aren't always slipping off my arse). i'm also still really digging the glossy black patent-leather handbag i got in florence (benetton). oh, and my geelong beanie - the hat of victory.

and i tag the following:

jo_blue

d-stah

AOF

and so the boys don't feel left out:

perseus

INC

BEVIS

gullybogan

do it or not. as you will. no pressure.

the three things meme

sublime tagged me for this meme. so here it is.

1. Three things that scare me

- someone I love dying.

- spiders.

- the majority of the voting public of australia. hopefully, this is no longer a current concern.




2. Three people that make me laugh

- my brother.

- g.o.b. on arrested development.

- princess.




3. Three things I hate the most

- people who drive aggressively.

- people who abuse children, either mentally or physically.

- people who are intolerant of difference, ie racists.



4. Three things I don't understand

- maths beyond year 11 vegie-type.

- why the liberals got voted in again. this is not flippant. I really don’t get it.

- people who don't love reading.




5. Three things I'm doing right now*

- wearing new shoes which are blue, velvet, round-toed ballet flats. I am so pleased with myself.

- waiting for john to come home.

- feeling pretty damn good in my tight, mid-calf jeans.




6. Three things I want to do before I die

- finish writing a novel. just one of the fuckers. is that too much to ask?

- walk the bridle paths of england and scotland.

- become a grandmother.




7. Three things I can do

- ride a horse.

- make a fantastic vodka martini.

- tie a cherry stalk into a knot with my tongue.



only joking. i can't.

- what i can do is listen really well to your problems, and make you feel better.



8. Three ways to describe my personality

- introverted

- intense

- complicated



9. Three things I can't do

- SEW

- keep my mouth shut when I really should. i'm learning though.

- make pastry.



10. Three things I think you should listen to

- my ideas. all of them.

- oum khoulthoum, egyptian singer.

- all of evita, both albums. the version with julie covington.





11. Three things you should never listen to

- anyone who puts you down and tries to completely dismantle your self-esteem.

- howard and costello bagging muslims. and yes, that is what they are doing. you see, the more they can make you fearful and scared, the more they can control you. read 1984. go on.

-bad talk-back radio. just turn it off. same goes for shows like today tonight. they are messing with your mind.





12. Three things I'd like to learn

- how to play the piano.

- how to become more self-disciplined.

- more about australian indigenous culture.






13. Three favourite foods

- pasta

- ice cream

- seafood





14. Three beverages I drink regularly

- water

- wine

- coffee





15. Three shows I watched as a kid

- i dream of jeannie. i wanted to be jeannie.

- get smart.

- the partridge family.





16. Three people I'm tagging

bevis

clokes

i’m not craig




* these were all true when I wrote this the other day. but they are not true now.

so an update of this question:

three things I am doing now.

- procrastinating about doing work.

- wondering how much it's going to rain on saturday and how that will affect princess and her birthday party.

- trying to remember I have the dog-washer coming to make gigi a beautiful, fresh-smelling pooch at 2.30 today.

six weird things or habits about me, it's a meme for pomgirl

gee it's been a while since i got tagged. i think i have a reputation for not liking them. i don't mind doing them, but i don't like tagging people. ever since the last time i tagged someone, and it all got a little crazy, i guess i have avoided it.

i struggled with this list. i couldn't think of things, but in the end came up with some. all are true and i'm sorry if some freak you right out.

here are the six weird things or habits about me. or maybe they're not weird. maybe just not every-day.


1.


i know the words to most of the songs on the first side of the evita album. the original, with julie covington.




2.
often in the back of my mind, while i'm going about my day, i have a visual backdrop of certain spots around my old school's playground.
i thought it was weird too. i've only just realised i do this. it's like a song stuck in my head, but less intrusive.




3.



i used to have dreams where i had something like steel wool stuck in my throat. i would just breathe around it, and be pulling it all out. sometimes it would be pins. there was no pain, just inconvenience.






4.

i am obsessed with clipping articles from the newspaper. this can range from a good leunig, to pieces on all sorts of things. i have archive box upon archive box of them, going back years and years - to the 80s. some are inspirational and i like to collect oddments. others are political. others are human interest. some are funny.

clearly i am going to be an old lady with purple hair, too many cats and papers piled high in my death-trap flat in another 40 years.





5.


i have been left a pair of white shoes in someone else's will

i can't be bothered finding the actual reference itself, you'll just have to trust me. certain readers can vouch for this. i know there was some jealousy.






6.



i don't find george clooney at all attractive.



















had you there for a minute, didn't i?


ok, my real number 6 is this. it's a true confession of massive enormity.....




once upon a time, this was the man i loved most in the world.









what a spunk!





do you want to know what he looks like now?

are you sure?

[sobs uncontrollably]

nice to see you. thanks for coming. a yuletide yu-yu.

this is a yo-yo









this is a ya-ya (i think, but i'm sure it means something else as well, like tits?)











but this is a yu-yu. it's where we get together and i make you have a big head because i talk about you, yu, and how great yu are.


but to do it, we need to be somewhere intimate. somewhere dark and exciting, and a little bit cabaret.











we have an emcee










bevis is table-hopping.


and your hosts are









or maybe









no. wait, this be them* / **







that's me on the right.

john is in bed right now. he was going to be my guest co-host at tonight's show but he flaked (just before the cooking-of-the-cheesecake, and right after the test-run of the setting-up of the trampoline).

more on john - because i STUPIDLY returned my mother's food processor to her not three days ago, tonight we had to do the following in the original manner of the Serengeti:

1. pound to crumbs 150g almonds and 150g walnuts

2. same for 300g dark cooking chocolate

3. CREAM, yes that's CREAM both one portion (sizeable) of butter with caster sugar, then for a completely different dessert, cream again philly cream cheese with caster sugar. this was achieved using a cheap hand mixer.

ugly.

4. shit the egg whites were a breeze. x 2 lots.

so back to the smokey cabaret in which we find ourselves. i see tables, something like the beginning and end of seinfeld. except the guy on the mike is the guy from blues brothers. it's when jake and elroy go to find each member of the original band. and one of them is in a seedy bad venue, in the middle of the day, saying "don't go changing" to an audience member of one. ormaybe two.

(update. cheesecake is out of the oven. it looks perfect. chocolate torte i am a bit worried about. it seemed to singe a little while we were strugging with the trampoline, but more on that a bit later)

so, i wanted to run through my list of friends and talk about their good qualities, what it was that attracted me to them, and more importantly what is was that kept me going back for more.

but whenever i log on, i do a quick scoot around the neighbourhood, and check out what people have done. and first stop, is bevis. and he's done it. sure, he didn't call it a yuyu (wasted opportunity, i know) but he has done exactly what i wanted to do.

so the yu-yu goes out the window. i hope you don't mind. but i will do it one day, just not now. it has to seem fresh, innovative and new.

yu all know who yu are. and why yu are special to me.

so happy christmas/hanukkah to yu all.

i will be away for a bit. but not for too long.

stay safe



*note pirate inflection

** this is my preference

-----------------------------------------------------------
tomorrow we host a lunch for 21. we just got rid of all the boxes from the move. we are serving lasagne, cold chicken and a bbq. salads (rice and green) and desserts are baked: cheesecake and two-nut chocolate torte

my sister and her family are staying tomorrow night, christmas eve. so her two young kids will wake us up really early. i am already regrettting this in advance.

tonight john travolta and i unpacked the flat-packed family trampoline that was hidden in the garage after being delivered yesterday. despite the courier fuck standing in the doorway and saying "i've got a trampoline here" in a really loud bloke-voice, the children were told it was a delivery of Gigi food. believe it or not.

so olivia and john got the tramp half up, then realised it wouldn 't fit back in the garage, so had to dissemble. is that a word? there was much clanging of wrench, and laughing of mouth as it started raining.

update: princess is going to america next friday. yes, i know it came up quickly. yes, that's why i have been "away", organising passports and tickets in the week before christmas is really easy and really fun. she's such a big girl travelling on her own on the plane at 9. i guess some people think i'm mad to let her go. oh well.

update: i'll be working on my thesis in january. head down, not seeing anyone and trying not to blog.

stop laughing.

update: the gigi got dropped into the only boarding kennel that had a vacancy this side of canberra. when i saw it i wondered if it would be ok. i'm sure she'll be fine but i worry about her.

2005 in review as tagged by my favourite furry green friend, BEVIS

because most of my answers are going to be a little boring, i'm going to give two answers; one true, one false.

1. What did you do in 2005 that you hadn't done before?
heroin. studied methodology.

2. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no. yes, a good friend had her first child, a son, last friday.

3. Did anyone close to you die?
no. my bro's best friend. still feel numb.

4. Did you travel? Where did you go?
london, paris, new york, munich, everybody's singing mmm [fill in the blanks]
one good holiday was to sydney at the beginning of the year. it was a nice calm before the storm of my crazy busy year.

5. Best thing you bought?
a gorgeous black dress with white trim which makes me look nice.
a powered yacht.

6. Where did most of your money go?
into shares, diamonds and investment properties.
onto my mortgage and dog food.

FUCK!! how could i forget the gigi. as best purchase. put her in there at number 5. scrap the dress.

7. What do you wish you had done more of?
exercise. proper writing.

8. What do you wish you had done less of?
blogging. procrastinating about my thesis.

9. What kept you sane?
princess and my man and my mum and sister.

10. What drove you mad?
i can only say myself here. the brain that never stops. no lie.

11. What made you celebrate?
best celebration is coming in two days. another birthday for my mum. think of her on saturday, friends. this woman is a fighter. after that i am looking forward to waking up on christmas morning for the first time with my sweetie.

12. What made you sad?
fuck, you got an hour? it's like my sorrow-strings are connected to everything sad in the world. i'm trying to not feel it all so much. but just quickly, try tsunami, earthquakes, petrol-sniffing children here in australia, child abuse, even seeing saddam pulled out of a hole in the ground made me sad, to see him in those photos in his underwear. and the abu graib stuff, the hoods, the indignity.

closer to home the fact that my dad couldn't make princess' birthday made me sad. the fact that earlier in the year he failed to stick up for me in a fight with his partner over money, that made me sad too.

my princess missing her dad so much makes me sad. my mum never having had a remission makes me sad. seeing my brother's best friend's daughter at his wake made me really, really sad.

13. How was your birthday this year?
my birthday was excellent. the best i have ever ever had. and i don't say that lightly. so much care and thought went into the planning of it. just briefly, think romantic secluded cottage surrounded by flowers, birdsong and sweet sweet rain hitting the roof, pillows on a [machine-made] oriental carpet, huge spa bath with bubbles [both of the soap and drinking variety], chocolates, a special meal of oysters kilpatrick and whole baby snapper, a lovely and bonding walk through mud and ferns, lots of loving and being able to sleep in two days in a row without children telling us they need breakfast. it's really so annoying the way they do that.

14. What political issue stirred you the most this year?
oh, here we go again. ok, it was the whole bush-howard joint-leather-jacket thing continuing in iraq, "muslim terrorists are the new russians" thing, and now the anti-terror legislation. i think it's going to be bad, really bad, that people like you and me can possibly be "disappeared" because someone with some power thinks we might know something about something bad, and then we can't tell anyone, and the media can't report it. that is more scary than anything else that has happened this year. and "rendering"? bloody hell.

another thing, the whole indigenous issue, again being ignored and pushed to the backburner by our politicians. also, the ir thing, which i admittedly don't know much about but i can tell it's bad. what else. that's enough. more than.

15. Were you in love in 2005?
yes. oh yes.

16. What would you like to have in 2006 that you didn't have this year?
another birthday for my mum, next december. and a baby. ooops. back to the lying thing now.

17. What date from 2005 will be etched in your memory and why?
dec 2 for two reasons. one, a birthday and the other, an execution.

18. What song will remind you of 2005?
the channel 10 station promo in between simpsons and neighbours

19. Compared to this time last year are you happier?
yes, but just a matter of degrees of bliss. cloud nine this time last year. cloud ten now.

20. Biggest achievement this year?
turning our rascal chew-everything, bite-all-ankles, dig many, many holes puppy into a more socialised good girl.

21. Biggest disappointment this year?
not winning the mc-mansion house at mermaid beach, brisvegas that princess and i took out a lottery ticket on. i really thought we were in with a chance.

22. What is the one thing that would have made you more satisfied?
a serious fitness plan, and really getting around to buying a couple of canvasses and painting something. did you know i paint?

23. Best new person you met this year?
i am tempted to say, all of you. i feel i have met you, so don't need to talk about virtual versus real friends. but i have to say in addition to all of you, the people i have been interviewing for my research are all fantastic and so interesting and i feel so privileged to have been allowed into their lives. they have opened up and really given me some wonderful stories.

i also have to say the optometrist specialist guy who helped me and princess with her learning stuff, so she could improve her spelling and writing. this. has. saved. us. both. from. despair. you cannot imagine the feeling of relief we have here.

24. A valuable life lesson you learnt this year?
to try to let go of things that don't matter, and to stop being a control-freak-bitch all the time. just choose your moments. (i don't say i can do all this yet. but i know it's important to get there somehow.)

i'm going to follow BEVIS' lead and make up my own question. because i want to leave on a high note, after all my sadness talk.

so, number 25. what made you happy this year?
getting a scholarship; deepening my love for mr oh-so-right; princess all of her, moods and smiles, each and every day; the gigi, she spreads her love like no other; this new house, it has a tennis court!; my mum and i being back to mother and daughter good times instead of me having to look after her and worry about her health; my sister and i, back on track with fun and love; a continuing good working relationship with my ex-husband; some good buddhist sessions which remind me of the true path; no major health problems for me or mine; some good times with my group of seven girls, the shazaamers; champagne; gardening; hot-action lurve; food.

notice how food came last. i surprise even myself sometimes.

the meme for ladycrackerland [warning. this is pretty dull but i did my best.]

10 Years Ago:
1995. hmmm. well i was married and it was the year before i got pregnant. i was teaching english to overseas students here in melbourne, and had just gotten back from several years overseas. i was living in east melbourne in a bland one-bedroom apartment. i went to freedom furniture and bought all the furniture i needed in about 30 minutes. a boy with a clipboard followed me around the store as i pointed out what i wanted. i was driving my brother's car - it's a '61 valiant s-series, with fancy wings and blokes used to check out the car at red lights. it made me feel cool. otherwise, my life was fairly boring so i won't try and dress it up for you. i was pretty unhappy.

5 Years Ago:
um, 2000. we were in turkey, living in istanbul. still fairly unhappy. we were in the big earthquake and it was fucking terrifying. we had to sleep outside in the park and elsewhere for a couple of nights. there were aftershocks for months afterwards; one would happen and we would all go running out of the apartment and up the hill to the park. maybe that was 1999 actually. yes, it was. sorry about that. this is a shite effort. my mum had just been diagnosed with cancer, while she was staying with us in istanbul. it was a terrible time. fuck, why couldn't this meme have been a 20 year ago one. things were probably a bit brighter or more interesting then.

1 Year Ago:
2004. shit, i can't remember yesterday. but, the last two years have been good for me. i met a beautiful man after 4 years on my own. my life has been a lot more peaceful, with lots of pleasure and enjoyment, that i had not had for many many years.

last year i went back to study and my brain re-ignited with all the intellectual things i'd been missing. it was wonderful, i was on fire. everything was good last year. everything. except princess' school was crap so i decided to move house so she could go to a new school. we did that last september, a week before her birthday.

Five Yummy Things:
ice cream. spaghetti marinara made MY way. champagne. mango. kisses.

Five songs I know by heart:
most of the evita album. which is more than five songs.

Five things I would do with a LOT of money:
buy a house
put some away for princess' education
buy lots of nice clothes and shoes
start some sort of thing, like an orphanage overseas, or help street kids here. do lots of good works.
help out friends and family

Five things I would never wear:
any type of sports top/football jumper etc
a g. sorry, can't fucking stand them.
a boob tube
white boots
a chastity belt

Five favourite TV shows:
seinfeld
neighbours
the office
get smart
fawlty towers

Five things I enjoy doing:
reading the newspaper
reading novels
reading non-fiction
reading trash magazines
everything else except falling off stools, cutting my finger while cooking, stubbing my toe, scraping my leg when shaving, getting shampoo in my eyes, rushing around being too busy.

meme continued

ok, as promised here is the rest of it. you might have wondered why i even bothered last night to try to do this? as bevis has commented, i should have just left it until i was less tired and emotional.

but i had promised i would do it last night.

so that can be number 6:

6. i really really do my best to keep my promises. having said that, i am also quite careful about WHAT i promise.

7. i prefer dogs to cats

8. i learnt belly dancing before it was trendy.

9. over my life i have had the following recurring dreams
- when i was little, like about 5 i was a fat fairy who had to really work at flying by flapping my arms really hard, and then i would slowly lift off and then fly around to perform all manner of impressive feats. most of them was saving my family. i don't know why i was fat, cause i wasn't in my real life.
- also when i was little i would dream of a wall of sand that would pulsate forwards and backwards, to the backing of a throbbing drum sound (i know, i know. weird.)
- when i was in primary school i would have dreams that i was at school in my singlet. and nothing else.
- similar dreams persisted when i was in secondary school.
- as i got older and shouldered grown up responsibilities and stresses, i would dream that either my teeth were falling out, or that i had scratchy wiry stuff stuck in my throat. i could breathe through it, and would be careful not to panic, but would reach down my throat and pull out this stuff. there would be miles and miles of it, often wire, sometimes fabric. horror story, yes? i know, you don't have to tell me. serious anxiety issues? but the thing is, in real life i am not anxious. i am pretty much in control of things.

10. still on the dream theme, i very RARELY have sex dreams. and when i do, it is usually with some famous person, and not necessarily someone i fancy in real life. often these dreams morph not into sex, but there'll be an encounter, then we become friends and it's romantic and flirty, but doesn't go any further. that's ok. i guess.

11. i don't think i know how to flirt.

12. i am very good at keeping secrets.

13. once i bought a $245 bottle of cristal champagne as an act of revenge. it didn't taste any damn different to a $15 bottle of yellowglen. but it was the act that was powerful.

14. i am lucky in that things always turn out for me in life, but unlucky in that i never win raffles/prizes/tatts/etc. i believe that things work out for a reason, i look for the reason, and if something is not good now, it doesn't mean i can't turn it around and see the benefit later.

15. i like my feet

16. sometimes i worry that using nail polish and hair dye will give me some sort of cancer

17. i like the idea of wearing a uniform to work. i applied for the police a few years ago, but i wear glasses and was too blind for them. i blitzed the entrance exam though.

18. when i was at school i had a MAJOR fully in LOVE crush on adam ant. i had a scrap book. i went to BOTH his melbourne concerts, i went to the southern cross hotel where he was staying, i took a present of a coffee table book of waltzing matilda, of course with my name and contact inside. i was allowed past the throng of school girls to take it to the front desk to leave for him.
i never heard from him. i moved on.

19. i think i have a touch of ocd. all my coathangers have to be facing the same way (hooks to the back) and i like all the labels on my food jars to be facing the front. the tv volume has to be on an even number.

20. i can never remember jokes. in my life, i have heard so many, but i just can't remember them. there's only one that i can. i told it on someone's blog. they still talk to me, but it is pretty gross. i don't know why that's the only one.

so that's it. i struggled with the last one, but it's done now. not sure if i complied completely with the brief, what was the brief? things you don't know about me?

the meme for bevis. the tag thing. it's so late and i can't type very well and i've had champagne so forgive any typos

these 20 or more things are what i jotted down on various scraps of paper. this is probably the first point, the number one. you should know that i am ALWAYS sitting in my car at the light, scrabbling through my bag for a piece of paper, and a pen, to scrawl notes on it, then the lights go GREEN and i have to drive, steer through all manner of complications while simultaneously writing down my most urgent thoughts...

god i'm tired. i want to go to bed. i have never been so tired and emotional while blogging...

no.1: when i was little i thought i was different or special. i asked my brother "do you feel special?"

"no," he said.

2. i often feel invisible. Alot of people don't really see me.

3. giving birth was AMAZING. i felt like amazon woman, it was like it was me in a club with every woman who had given birth through history, right back to cave woman. so primal.

4. i've been robbed 4 times. it really sucks.

5. i have four scars on my body but i don't look terrible because of it. the best/worst one was when i was 7 and i fell off a horse i was trying to make jump over a log, and it bolted and ran through the forest and a branch whacked me on the forehead and i somersaulted and then landed on a log which had a broken off branch, and that cut through my jeans (v-knees?) and then i had a hole in my leg which got stiched up by dr eagle (i kid you not) on a sunday afternoon, and my mother always wondered whether he was pissed, cause he did such a bad job. i still loved horses and continued to ride after that

god i'm stuffed. i have to go to bed. will finish tomorrow.

promise.

x

while you wait for my meme [for bevis] here is a little something i have just created. you may also use it. feel free.

it's a yuyu [pronounced you-you]

i would like to dedicate twenty things to someone else. this is what i will affectionately call a yuyu. maybe it will catch on.

remember it started here.

1. you accept me, and i love that

2. you also tolerate me, my bad side

3. you listened when i told you i was complex and complicated. now you know that was true and still you love me.

4. you tell me i have a lovely back

5. you tell me you love my arse

6. you really enjoy my cooking

7. you accept that i am independent and need my space. "man."

8. you are open to being open with me

9. you listen to me when i am bossy

10. you have never, EVER sworn at me. you don't know what this means to me.

11. you have never belittled me, or put me down

12. you like to eat as much as me. maybe more?

13. you call me gorgeous

14. you call me cute

15. you appreciate my mind

16. you laugh at my jokes

17. you support me in whatever i want to do

18. you don't [seem] to feel threatened that reading may well always be my first love

19. you accept when i tell you that my daughter will always come first

20. you are close to your family, and i am too. you understand and like "family"

oh no, i've got another one:

21. you get me

i could go on, but i think that's enough. don't want to make him blush too much.

[blows kiss]

the meme - line 5, posting 23

missed it by that much. the orgasm post i mean, that was number 22.

for those of you who missed it, it's at thursday july 14 on this page
[blatant plug, i know]

but for the real one, just to satisfy clokey

it's here at july 18th, where i was remembering frankie, an old aquaintance from years ago who died recently. drank and pilled herself to the grave, and the horrible thing was, everyone who knew her woul have been watching it, like in a slow motion dream. she was on her way all those years ago.

this was line 5:

he was the drummer in a band, that played mildly amusing but very childish songs about poo and football

strangely, i listened to this band on cd a couple of weeks ago, when visiting my brother. he was the hot guitarist in said band. mikey was wearing a chef's costume on the front cover. poor guy, his life has been turned upside down by this.

this posting was heartfelt. i was writing as i thought about how fragile life is, how close we all of us can be to the edge. i remember another friend of mine saying it was frightening how close we all are to that thin line. i didn't really know what she was talking about at the time. she had spent time in a 'health facility' to help her with her madness, her psychosis. she and her then husband had created a weird and scary situation which has a french name and i can't think of it right now [anyone?] where they thought she was going to give birth to a messiah. seriously.

but now i can see how close we all can be. life can be snuffed out in an instant. and that scares me.

the other thing about this post was it received nice comments from fellow bloggers, even the self-absorbed and aloof monsieur maze. this was back when he talked to me. before he was 'famous'. you know how it is.

so here's to a beautiful sunny day. gigi has been walked. the dog next door is... barking. and i have to write two pages of my thesis. just two. to get going on the long journey.

and it has to start today.

i have dragged my feet on this, something about the imposed list that made me coy but here it is:

ten turn ons

[some are general and some are sexual. you can decide which]

someone who can make me laugh, and I mean so that I almost wet myself.
generosity [and yes, that can include spending money on me]
intelligence
honesty and directness [is that one,or two?]
being tall and big [that’s two, sorry]
meat on the bones
a big, big warm smile
large hands
gentle mouth
a good listener
plus locket [special extra entry. a promise is a promise*]


ten turn offs

bad spelling
bad breath
racism
intolerance
mean [both nasty and tight]
thoughtlessness
childishness in an adult, [it’s ok in kids]
impatience
anger
someone who doesn’t understand I need to be able to breathe

* promise

now what do i do? i have to tag someone?

[looks around school yard, sees flash of yellow and red cape which twirls behind that tree over there. runs over, manages to catch capeman and gently and laughingly tap him on the shoulder

turns and brushes hair out of eyes. sees black and white stripes moving behind shelter shed. runs over and trips on asphalt. gets to feet bravely and looks at skinned knee. doesn't want anyone to see her cry, so she runs again, circles the shed from the other direction, so that clokey doesn't see her coming. thumps him on the back, laughing and shouting "you're it!"]

gettin' the lingo down

can anyone please tell me what 'meme' means and give some examples of usage??

usually i can work stuff out from the context but this has me schtumped...

thanks muchly

tag lists to follow

xxx