look, you obviously got lost in my last memo; bogged down in the mire of my attempts to enlighten you re the islamic faith etc. clearly, you didn't pay attention to what was, really, the most important point of the whole letter.
give. up. on. emma.
give up on emma.
she doesn't even know you exist.
now, i'm not saying anything about her being out of your league, even though she actually clearly believes this to be the case. and it might well be the case. but if you had the right stuff, boyo, you could get her.
my suggestions are these, a couple of ideas of ways you can maybe be a little more edgy and a little less seal-like.
1. stop moaning about how emma doesn't like you, isn't giving you a chance, doesn't know you, the real you.
2. stop pointing out to others about how you falling in the pool on purpose is the real you. it's really unattractive.
3. speaking of unattractive, i don't think you are, un- that is. i think you have lovely eyes and a smile that's lovely too. actually you are quite handsome, but unfortunately (and quite opposite to what i expected) i think your personality or your neuroses are letting you down.
4. stop, JUST FUCKING STOP, lying around with your arms down by your sides and your head up at a weird angle. you were doing it last night while hayley was having a bitch in the pool. and what were you doing? in the pool in those horrible underpants? no. you were lying, fully clothed, on the decking next to her. your arms weren't propping you up, they were lying like dead meat beside your body, your legs straight out, and head up. what's going on? are you trying to look like the most idiotic person in the house? please. enough. stop it. you look like a seal.*
5. stay away from rebecca. she's a bit twisted and nutty. you will get her unpopularity stench onto you.
6. unfortunately emma is the alpha human in the pack. she is so fucking wily and manipulative. you wouldn't want her as your girlfriend anyway. believe me.
7. just relax and smile a bit more.
8. if you are packing something serious in your pants like your namesake from last year, get it out now. otherwise it might be too late.
9. keep on cooking, they like that, but don't be such a suck about everything. there've been a couple of times when i've seen a spark of something good, but you spoil it with your bleating and suckiness. be a man. go on.
10. don't do the slapstick fall-in-the-pool routine again, or similar. it just smacks of desperation and i can smell your fear-sweat from here.
the only other thing i can think of to suggest, which won't help you while you're in there, but you might consider once you're out is reading the game, by neil strauss. i reckon emma could do with some heavy negging, sarging and if you could peacock a bit more (NOT SEAL) you might be in with a chance.
that's all for now, jamie.
i'm rooting for you.
you go, boy etc.
love melbournegirl xxx
* nothing against seals, they are gorgeous creatures. i just want jamie to present himself properly, realise his potential, as a human of the boy variety, not a water-creature, whale, sealion etc.