So hasn't it been wet today? What the hell is going on with Beyonce and the dude who interrupted Taylor Swift? I haven't really caught up. And the evil father who incested his daughter, for fuck's sake. At work we get all these emails that have been filtered IN for sexual content, either socially, psychologically, medically and so on. You guys at work have filters to get rid of this shit, whereas our servers allow all kinds of stuff. We have to go back to work and look up "felching" and "choat."
I get to go to my desk at work and there are all these alerts from the librarian pointing me towards articles about everything you ever wanted to know about sex but were too afraid to ask.
[Apologies to Woody.]
Today, I was busy explaining to Year 9 girls how head lice and pubic lice are DIFFERENT and don't use the head treatment "down there" or you will burn that shit. Did you know that pubic lice cannot live in your head hair but it sure as fuck can migrate to your chest hair (general menfolk, non-body-builders) and underarm hair (general menfolk, non BB and non-European laydees)?
Does that even make sense. I don't care. My weekend starts TONIGHT.
Also, we had condom balloons being patted around, girls in a huddle at my "kit" pulling out all manner of ribbed, warm heated and tight-fits. I had one girl fit a condom over her entire hand and she was licking the end of it. All I could think of to say was
"Doesn't that taste yucky?"
During my short time in the job, I have already used the expression "If you were my daughter, I'd say you should..."
I have already used the expression "We know that girls are giving oral sex - or head jobs - to boys more than they are receiving. It. Why is this so?" and I make my eyebrows beetle at this point.
I have already used the expression "slut-stick" for the Implanon contraceptive rod. In a purely homey, I'm down-with-it way. I think I'm not "comfortable" using that term so I won't any more.
Today I was told that a "blue veined cigar" is another name for... you guessed it PENIS.
Did not know that one but I worked it out pretty quickly.
I am no longer a sex-ed virgin. I have masterfully handled the hot-pink dildo, and parried the question:
"Is that a sex toy?"
"Yes. It most certainly is. But it's not mine. I got it from work. But I chose the colour!"
I am loving my new job. It's fun, it's honest and it's important.
And there are statistics!