Sunday, October 16, 2005

honey, i take it all back


for over a year i have been ragging my man about his car. it's a real boy car. it's bright, big and has turbo. it takes off so fast, and makes a different noise to my rav. and it's got a spoiler. i hate spoilers. it's impractical for a family which we are becoming - the three kids squish in the back and bicker.

BUT THEN

a couple of weeks ago, i drove it for the first time.

i'd been calling it the beast, in a slightly derisory way, but you know that way when there's something more to it?

that something more was envy i think. turbo envy.

this is what happened the first time i drove it:

my thoughts: ok, so i've gotta move the seat forward, well he is tall. my man. ok, so there we go, key goes in there, start her up, okay, just like my car. adjust the rear view mirror. i'm glad it's an auto, if it was manual i'd be dangerous, i have never really told him i used to like to drive really fast, what do you mean never really, you mean never.

well it does sound a bit louder, all right i'm turning right here, oh yeah, this is comfortable, and i feel so powerful, i can feel it... what happens when i press the accelerator just a little more, omigod feel THAT!! and what's that POPPING NOISE??!! is that the TURBO??? let me get onto dandenong road, i'll be able to go 70 there, i wish i could take it on the hume, this baby would FLY. oh wow, it's a low ride but i'm feeling really STRONG and ALIVE

it's exhilarating, to have this POWER, this SPEED. what a RUSH
[melbourne girl pulls up at the lights, face flushed]

[tradesman in car next to her whistles at her through the open window]

[light turns green, melbourne girl drags him off, laughing with joy]

do you have a need for speed? (and i don't mean pharmaceutically speaking)

DISCLAIMER - PARTS OF THIS STORY ARE UNTRUE. ESPECIALLY THE BIT ABOUT THE TRADESMAN, WHISTLE AND DRAGGING OFF.

32 comments:

Ant. said...

That would explain the dampness on the drivers seat!!!
I'm glad you've seen the light.

Gianluca Di Milano said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Gianluca Di Milano said...

This history is make me very exciting Melborne girl. Are you have any pictures? Was you attach some thing from the aceleration pedal to your "man in the boat"? Or maybe there was very small mans, kind of midget like turbank, make the wank for you but was to small for to sea him?
And don't to worry for me any more. I have a new girlsfriend now, a beutiful princess from nigeria. We are will marry soon.

12:06 AM

MelbourneGirl said...

ant. tee hee.

gianluca. nice to see you, i was worrying about you. congratulations. what would you like for a wedding present?

and no, there are no pictures.

BEVIS said...

I never got past the WARNING at the top. I read no further.

(But if I had read further, I would be shocked and dismayed that you were prepared to admit to having crossed over to the dark side. The man was right all along? You're running the risk of being thrown out of the sisterhood there, aren't you?)

And would the delightful gentlemen two comments above me be the aforementioned Italian Stallion, per chance? I especially like his profile blurb, which states: "But pay atention! i'm not a gay."

Ant would be your man, clearly. How sweet, with the 'tee hee' an' all.

I must go. Turbo car to drive home, dontcherknow.

Turbank said...

Thas right ladies. "Turbo". Thats what the big girls call me. Not to my goddam face mind.
Never to my face.
Which is a goddam picture of human sufferin writ large across my liddle bitty moosh. (I got some teeth missing geddit?)
I aint no goddam midget geddit?
I is a goddam hulk of steaming dwarf man.
I make the motherof bleedin goodlordy Issac and Ishmael weep with my goddam pathos. I make no goddam wank. I make the feel. I make the heart throb. What ladies do whilst I whistle my liddle tune nestled between clutch and accelerator is their own good happenstancin business.
Unless they take their eyes of the road. Then I get cranky.
No hot sobbin hanky panky when the ol Turbank gets the crank dank key.
Geddit?

ant said...

Bevis, in case you were wondering
here it is.
Baby, just to tickle your fancy, here it is again

MelbourneGirl said...

hi bevis, thanks for not reading. i wouldn't want to go down in your esteem. assuming you have esteem. for me. or is it me for you?

whatever. so you are a turbo man too. how does your little green felt foot reach the pedals?

sorry, i am seeing kermie in a car. too cute.

and gianluca, yes he is the italian of which we spoke. he is a too fuck funy. but sometimes i don't understand him. which is par for the course i guess with our continental friends sometimes.

but i'm annoyed at him for bringing in an interloper dwarf. i have always been scared of dwarves. i know this is very unpc and i apologise to any TRULY and HONESTLY overly short-statured people out there, but i am just being honest.

Chai said...

Have u tried go-karting? Sounds like u'd get a real big kick out of it.

MelbourneGirl said...

i do like go-karting. alot. but i would really like to do a real fast-car drive around a track.

sorry, but there it is.

why am i apologising? there's only boys here anyway. the girls are off shoe shopping.

which i also like to do

oh, the confliction!!!

Chai said...

Hey, you're right! There are only guys here. I wonder .... never mind. ps I notice u dont have word verification on. Dont u get much spam comments?

MelbourneGirl said...

chai i don't get enough of it to make me turn on that infernal verification thingy. i just don't like it, and am resisting. any little spammers who intrude i usually just delete them.

what is it you were wondering? do you think i'm a boy?

BEVIS said...

I know I've been wondering that for a while ...

I'm going to start calling you MelbourneBoy.

MelbourneGirl said...

please don't BEVIS

is it because i haven't been using your capitals?

what if i apologise?

despite the fact that i now am quite partial to a certain blue turbo car, i am all woman in all the ways that count

[mg prepares to hit publish button, wondering at shameless self promotion]

fuck it

[hits the button]

Chai said...

Regd wondering, nothing sinister. Maybe guys only visit female blogs. Otherwise it'd be too 'gay', if u know what I mean. Regd preconceptions, I went to see this last night. It's called Me and You and Everyone We Know, a film by Miranda July. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0415978/
I liked it a lot. Highly recommended. Even may be worth a second viewing. Anyway, not to spoil anything, but there is a sub-theme with communication and preconceptions, I say, as I type this, sitting alone in my prison cell, staring out the window at the birds chirping in the trees, sitting way past the bars. Where was I again, Clarice? See what I mean? Yes, you could be a guy, but as far as we bloggies (as in blog groupies) are concerned, you are a goddess. :-) I think I'm off topic, arent I?

BEVIS said...

Hey, MelbourneBoy! Kranki's back!

OK, sorry - but I had to do it at least once, you know? Plus, it's nothing to do with the use of caps.

Caps are always optional. And at the whim of the user. You're allowed to do what you want (as am I).

So will I see you over on Kranki's blog, MB?

:)

elaine said...

That BeViS is a bad egg!

MG - I too like driving fast. Does it make me less of a woman?

Only I like to drive fast cars in bare feet.

(I think it's the driving fast vibrations that give you that special feeling)

*runs away and hides*

MelbourneGirl said...

i don't know about the gay thing chai. it's not like you are trying to pick boys up if you comment on their blog. are you shitting me?? also i don't mind anyone calling me a goddess for obviously it is my mind you are talking about...

bevis. that's ok. it's a fuck funy calling me melbourneboy but just the once. thank you.

elaine, ah the first girl to comment on this posting. you are brave woman, but i knew that already. you are going to india to find a maharajah. the countdown is on. just keep away from the train/yoga/fabric men!

Chai said...

Was kidding... my main point was it being all perception. It's just an opinion.

Aleks - Anarcho-Syndicalist said...

You know my attitude to cars; as man this usually earns me scorn amongst other men and results in them questioning my manhood. Given that I'm not a small lad asking them if they want to test my masculinity in a fight usually shuts them up very quickly...

Sorry to read about your families loss. As I said on AOF's blog my own death doesn't really worry me; as a meloncholy athiest I sort of look forward to it as I know that I will just cease to be and I will no longer be forced to view the horrors of this world. However I do worry about the impact my death may have on those I love and care about.

However the death of those I love and care about worries me more than anything; it is those people that I love and care about that make life worth living. To lose them would be to lose meaning to life.

MelbourneGirl said...

hi aleks

welcome back

i missed you

and thank you for your condolences

funny, i wouldn't have thought you a large man. you know how you have a picture of other loggers in your mind's eye?

i do, anyway.

BEVIS said...

And you see me as a friendly little green frog made of felt, right?

(Possibly with someone else's arm up my bum?)

MelbourneGirl said...

no bevis, you have sticks attached to all your extremities

so cute

Anonymous said...

HEY MG WEIRD IS TELLING COMPLETE STRANGERS WHO JUST HAPPEN TO STUMBLE ON YOUR WEBSITE ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE AMONG OTHER PERSONAL THINGS ....... I AM NOT WEIRD I WAS JUST ASKING LC ????'S AS I GET THE IMPRESSION SHE IS QUITE COMFORTABLE WANKING ON ABOUT HOW WONDERFUL HER LIFE IS.I ASKED ABOUT STEAK BECAUSE EVERY SECOND BLOG ENTRY TALKS ABOUT FOOD MAYBE SHE IS PREGNANT!!!!!!!!

Dxxxx said...

What the hell?

Anyhoo... fast cars are fun but i wouldn't want to drive one all the time. Girls are sensible and think of the danger involved. Never mind the petrol.
Boys just like to argue about whos dick is bigger.

Dxxxx

BEVIS said...

I second Dxxxx's "What the hell?".

BEVIS said...

BREAKING NEWS:

Cotton has turned his comments back on.

THAT IS ALL.

LadyCracker said...

aaah! sorry about that MG - not sure where this is coming from but it seems I have hater. Sorry that it crossed over to you.

MelbourneGirl said...

it's ok friends. i had made a comment about the anonymous person on lc's who was asking her WEIRD questions about a bbq meal she had.

and that person came and shouted at me.

i just wish people would use names. i would feel much warmer towards them.

and OH MY GOD BEVIS

[goes directly to cotton's place]

thr said...

Welcome to the world where one embraces one's boganity.

Your new bogan name is:
M-Town Sheila...

thats is all
thomasr

MelbourneGirl said...

ok i will embrace being a bogan, but only when i drive that car. that's when the change happens. like a werewolf with a full moon. my full moon is the sound of turbo, and then it comes over me.

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