do you want to hear about the real-estate witch or something more philosophical? oh ok, let's do both.

first, the philosophy. it's short.

ok, we all know about bird poo. what about bird wee. think about it.

* * * * * * * * * *

onto the witch. remember her?















remember? the meanie who was trying to sniff out whether i had a toto in residence?

and then there was me:


















so, now we are coming to the end of this story. i left the note with the keys saying for her to write to me at (new address). i didn't say because i didn't want her in my fucking ear on the phone, not giving me time to think, trapping me with her witchy cunning.

so a friend comes over yesterday for lunch. almost as soon as she arrives, my mobile goes. and it's witch penny.

i won't recreate the whole conversation here. let's pick it up just after she said "the oven's dirty"

MG: really? must have missed that. (this is the truth.)

PW: yes, i know that people can miss things like that, but the griller was fine

MG: i'll come and clean it

PW: and then there's the garden, it needs weeding.

this is where i started my rant, and managed i think to shut her up:

MG: i worked really hard in the garden (true) when i took possession of the property there were no garden beds, i created what's there, there was grass all in the beds. sure the lawns were mowed but it was not weeded. i can get statutory declarations from my friends and family who all saw me working in the garden, and how i improved it...

PW: i have some digital photos here...

MG: i never saw any digital photos, are they dated? why wasn't i shown them? how do i know when they were taken? are they dated? listen the problem with you property managers is that you are always changing, so the person who does the condition report is no longer there, and you came in later, so you didn't see the property at the beginning. when i spoke to nicole she said the owner was "well-aware of the condition of the property" when i pointed out several (like 1,000) things wrong. plus i forwarded you a list of additional items that weren't covered in the condition report...

PW: well things that aren't on the condition report are null and void-

MG: well, all my friends and family will be happy to sign statutory declarations on the condition of the property when i took possession, and the effort i have put into maintaing it while i was there.

[i'm thinking, she's not mentioned the evil mould on the bathroom ceiling!!]

PW: then there's the mould on the bathroom ceiling but i know that we didn't get the fan-

MG [cutting her off in a wild spray]: exactly! and two tradesmen came to quote

PW: well we couldn't go ahead without the owner's approval

MG: exactly, i told you i couldn't clean the mould, we needed a fan, it was just so steamy!

PW: well-

MG: so how can i get the keys back to come and clean the oven?

[cut now to after school. princess and i are at the old house. i have brought ajax, one scrubber sponge thingy, rubber gloves and as soon as i see the oven i think, oh fuck!]

it was like a haunch of meat had been roasted in there, straight on the rack, with the essential meat juices dripping down to the bottom of the oven. now i had never cooked in this manner. when did this happen? why did i miss it when we moved in?

probably because you are so busy your head is in a spin like all the time.

i try to scrape, i try to ajax. then we get in the car and go and get the heavy, chromosome-mutating type of oven cleaner. went back, sprayed it on thick then ran out for coffee and cake. i had apple and apricot crumble cake and princess had lemon tart. then back to scrape and it came up ok.

just sent penny witch an email going on about how i took the rubbish out while i was there, and will go back and bring the bin in this afternoon. cause i'm nice. and also how some bad person left takeaway rubbish in the recycling bin so i had taken care of that. because i am the sort of person you refund bond to intact. and asking when in fact that would be.

how can she not give back all the bond to me?