Thursday, November 24, 2005

do you want to hear about the real-estate witch or something more philosophical? oh ok, let's do both.

first, the philosophy. it's short.

ok, we all know about bird poo. what about bird wee. think about it.

* * * * * * * * * *

onto the witch. remember her?

remember? the meanie who was trying to sniff out whether i had a toto in residence?

and then there was me:

so, now we are coming to the end of this story. i left the note with the keys saying for her to write to me at (new address). i didn't say because i didn't want her in my fucking ear on the phone, not giving me time to think, trapping me with her witchy cunning.

so a friend comes over yesterday for lunch. almost as soon as she arrives, my mobile goes. and it's witch penny.

i won't recreate the whole conversation here. let's pick it up just after she said "the oven's dirty"

MG: really? must have missed that. (this is the truth.)

PW: yes, i know that people can miss things like that, but the griller was fine

MG: i'll come and clean it

PW: and then there's the garden, it needs weeding.

this is where i started my rant, and managed i think to shut her up:

MG: i worked really hard in the garden (true) when i took possession of the property there were no garden beds, i created what's there, there was grass all in the beds. sure the lawns were mowed but it was not weeded. i can get statutory declarations from my friends and family who all saw me working in the garden, and how i improved it...

PW: i have some digital photos here...

MG: i never saw any digital photos, are they dated? why wasn't i shown them? how do i know when they were taken? are they dated? listen the problem with you property managers is that you are always changing, so the person who does the condition report is no longer there, and you came in later, so you didn't see the property at the beginning. when i spoke to nicole she said the owner was "well-aware of the condition of the property" when i pointed out several (like 1,000) things wrong. plus i forwarded you a list of additional items that weren't covered in the condition report...

PW: well things that aren't on the condition report are null and void-

MG: well, all my friends and family will be happy to sign statutory declarations on the condition of the property when i took possession, and the effort i have put into maintaing it while i was there.

[i'm thinking, she's not mentioned the evil mould on the bathroom ceiling!!]

PW: then there's the mould on the bathroom ceiling but i know that we didn't get the fan-

MG [cutting her off in a wild spray]: exactly! and two tradesmen came to quote

PW: well we couldn't go ahead without the owner's approval

MG: exactly, i told you i couldn't clean the mould, we needed a fan, it was just so steamy!

PW: well-

MG: so how can i get the keys back to come and clean the oven?

[cut now to after school. princess and i are at the old house. i have brought ajax, one scrubber sponge thingy, rubber gloves and as soon as i see the oven i think, oh fuck!]

it was like a haunch of meat had been roasted in there, straight on the rack, with the essential meat juices dripping down to the bottom of the oven. now i had never cooked in this manner. when did this happen? why did i miss it when we moved in?

probably because you are so busy your head is in a spin like all the time.

i try to scrape, i try to ajax. then we get in the car and go and get the heavy, chromosome-mutating type of oven cleaner. went back, sprayed it on thick then ran out for coffee and cake. i had apple and apricot crumble cake and princess had lemon tart. then back to scrape and it came up ok.

just sent penny witch an email going on about how i took the rubbish out while i was there, and will go back and bring the bin in this afternoon. cause i'm nice. and also how some bad person left takeaway rubbish in the recycling bin so i had taken care of that. because i am the sort of person you refund bond to intact. and asking when in fact that would be.

how can she not give back all the bond to me?


Pomgirl said...

a witch indeed.

before I left the UK to come to Australia we had a landlord who tried to keep £800 of our deposit because there was ivy in the guttering. many caustic emails later(with photos showing all the work we had actually done to the garden),he sent us a cheque for the full deposit, stating that he would leave it our 'conscience' whether we gave him any of this money to clear the guttering.
my conscience told me to keep the money and bugger off to australia.

i have been told by a number of people that renting in australia is much fairer but it doesn't sound like it in your case...i really hope you get all yor deposit back.

thr said...

Horror show.

My current landlord is sooo cheap. But now they want to sell the place from under us, it's all our ball game. Maybe it wil l be clean, maybe it won't. Maybe you will give us 25% off our rent, maybe miracles will occur.

BEVIS said...

Hmm, call me strange (I know you want to), but I don't like her.

And she doesn't look very well. A bit green around the edges. Maybe she's about to hurl and is taking it all out on you.

(As long as she doesn't throw it all up on you.)

Which reminds me ... what about bird vomit? Think about it.

My people will call your people.

Aleks - Anarcho-Syndicalist said...

It's strange, my last ladlord (lady?) was really good. Me and my ex-flatmate had burnt two holes in the carpet, broken the automatic close mechanism on a door, destroyed half a closet wall due to severe mould, broke a light fitting and did a crappy job glueing it together, not to mention the scratches and chips everywhere, and all they withheld was $300 from a $1200 bond. Guess we were very lucky.

As for the Wizaed of Oz, it so reminds me of federal politics:

*The Tin man - John Howard, because he doesn;t have a heart
*The Scarecrow - Alexander Downer because he doesn't have a brain
*The Lion - Kim Beazley, because he lacks courage
*The wicked witch of the West - Amanda Vanstone
*The wicked witch of the East - Bronwyn Bishop
*Glinda the good witch of the north - Kerry Nettle
*Dorothy - The Australian voters, because the solution to their problems have been there all along.

Dxxxx said...

They always try & find something ridiculous to pick at to try & keep some of your cash. Hopefully you've sorted the witch out...

Clokeeeey! said...

I think Penny and Kermit's brother spawned young Bevis.

NickandEmms said...

Okay , landlords are evil mongrels. We lived in Germany for two and a half years and met some of the most vile landowners ever. They were nice when you moved in and terrible when you moved out. I guess the question is, where are you going to take this? You need this money but should you bend over backwards to get it. I would suggest, judging hwre you at are at right now. Asking them are directly if they plan on holding the bond. Just ask them. And then why? Ask what you have to do? You said you have documents of problems on entering the house. Tell them you want your money back. You have been a fair tenant. You need that money. Don't let shitty people keep what is yours.

Good luck.

BEVIS said...

Hey! What have I done to be copping it everywhere I go on the blogosphere today?!

I'm feeling really unloved ...

Janet said...

I hate to say it, but I've always had fantastic landlords. However, the real estate agents have been an altogether different experience. A bit like you, I'm into keeping the house looking gorgeous, so the real estate has nothing to grumble about, but lordy, they can be idiots sometimes. I'm getting the impression that at real estate school, the intelligent students are herded off to 'How to Sell a House 101'. The dopey types without any career goals are sent to study renting tutorials. But even then, the classes only seem to consist of - "Wear a black suit, it's slimming!" and "Remember to carry a file around with you, you'll look ultra important!"

Clokeeeey! said...

sorry Bevis.

BEVIS said...

'Salright, Clokes. I know you just meant that Kermit's brother is green and Penny the Witch is green and therefore that's where green little Robin (my bio pic) came from.

But in light of the other weirdness going on elsewhere in the blogosphere today, I took it all a little too close to heart. :)

I've also had a considerably bad day at work today, so I'm REEEEEEEALLY hanging out for the weekend.

Bring it on!

Russell Allen said...

I learned from experience that you write every little mutha on the condition report. Also never move into a house with new cream carpets. You're rooted then.

Dxxxx said...

Bevis, there's weirdness going on in the blogosphere??? What am i missing?? DAMN YOU WORK, FOR MAKING ME WORK......

MelbourneGirl said...

thanks all for your comments. it's the real estate property people that get me. not the landlords as such. i can't hate landlords too much, for i am one myself.

but i think today's prize goes to aleks for his wonderful assignation of wizard of oz characters to our local political players. very clever. who are the munchkins? and who, oh who, is the wizard of oz?

and ps. yes bevis, what is this thing you are talking about? we love you. have people been mean??? point me at them... you know i enjoy being one one of your henchpersons.

BEVIS said...

Just being a melodramatic fool, don't worry. Thanks for caring, though! :)

And I know you're always good to beat people up for me - you and Clokeeeey both. Much appreciated!

As for the weirdness, Cotton removed a post (a letter to his Dad) after a bunch of us had left comments already, and Kranki did the same thing after I'd left the first comment, then put it back (altered) without my comment attached anymore, leaving Clokeeeey to claim that his comment was first - RIPPED OFF!

Anyway, we're all friends here and I'm sitting at my computer on a bright, sunny, Saturday afternoon.


* Answer: Yes.

jesus mcgod said...

Birds don't really wee. They have the one hole, the cloaca, out of which comes the mixture of poo and wee ('waste') which hits your car bonnet and your head.

Think of it as an all purpose orifice.

MelbourneGirl said...

jesus, mc gog, stick around. i have so many more questions.

be my friend. i like people who know stuff like this...