Wednesday, January 04, 2006
and today we spoke
this will be quick. it's been a fine day. i got some work done.
we had a 4 minute chat with princess on the phone. she said they'd been getting my text messages but couldn't send back. i wonder whether her father realised i was worried, because she was reassuring me. saying that she is fine, having a good time, but there was something in the tone of her voice, something that made me think she felt she had to stop me worrying.
today i learnt to ski, she said.
oh, wow. that's fantastic, i said.
but not with the sticks, she said
no, at the beginning you don't learn with the sticks, i said.
what did you have for dinner, i said.
oh, i'm not really hungry, she said.
this is not like her. i am trying not to over-analyse everything.
she sounds so grown up.
before that call, she had left a message on the phone. she sounded impatient with me, for not answering but also for maybe sending them so many text messages. only three in four days. she had a tone that told me i was perhaps embarrassing her by worrying. i can just hear her father's voice:
you'd better call your mother, and stop her worrying about you. (you know she won't let you grow up if she can't let you just spend time with your father, she doesn't trust me to look after you properly, she has to interfere)
* * *
karen sent some pics she took of princess before they left on the car trip up the mountain. she is wearing a shiny pink parka, and i can see some brown fur trim around the hood, which is down. on her head she is wearing a ridiculous looking busy-print beanie which sits up so high on her head. i know it is the sort of hat she would hate, really hate. but there she is, wearing it, tolerating it, with an uncertain smile on her face. she is wearing the hat because she doesn't want to hurt the feelings of whoever gave it to her.
then there were a couple of photos of just after she arrived at the airport. in the one with her father, he head is tilted away from him. he looks intense. he is intense, and she looks tired and pale. the one with lisa in it, princess's head is angled towards lisa, away from ali. lisa looks glamorous and nice, and that does hurt a little. but i am happy because princess is smiling and looks much more relaxed.
it's difficult to scan a picture, go over every detail, to try and ascertain the state-of-mind at that moment of your child. when she is so far away. and that moment in time, the snapshot is now days past. i am like some forensic psychologist looking for evidence of happiness or sadness.
thank you to everyone who comments. every word is a balloon, keeping me up.
21 days to go