twelve and a half hours to go

princess is winging her way, back towards her mama. who waits here, patiently, en melbourne, for the arrival of her dearest, her nearest, her most precious.

her precious, precious gem, which is bright blue with a citrus orange centre.

her mama has really gone through the wringer these last past 26 fucking days.

that's mama, not princess. although i think princess has too.

she has kept a brave face on... her face, she has not let people know how painful it has been. we are talking about mama here, though princess has no doubt done the same.

cause i raised her fucking well.

what to do now?

the night she left i couldn't sleep, didn't sleep, until i knew she was there safely.

"safely"

now, again, she is encased in metal and steel, a giant tube shooting through the air, through space, somehow kept aloft by my own sheer willpower and prayers.

if i prayed.

but there she is, aloft, afloat. hopefully sleeping now. with a pillow under her head, and a spare seat where she can stretch her legs.

she arrives in the morning and i am so, so happy and relieved.

just to fold her into my arms, my body, my belly. where she belongs. where she nests and looks up at me and says "i missed you so much."

you know, when she left, i think the first post i wrote was headed "a life half lived"

at the time, sure, i was being a little melodramatic, a little bit woe is me, because you know, here in blog world, you have an audience. you can't leave them bored, even though i have, shamefully, the last 26 days.

but it was true.

a life half lived. really and truly.

i haven't been happy, not really. i haven't slept at all properly. i've awoken with a start, time and time again each night, sitting up in bed, thinking there was a spider on the wall, someone walking in the room, a baby in my care in the other room who i was neglecting.

awful, anxiety-riddled fit-start wakenings.

my libido has ridden out of town on a pony.

food hasn't really tasted of anything much.

my energy has gone, quick smart.

my joie de vivre: vamoosh.

so, i am truly waiting, yearning to see my girl.

and balloons there shall be.

oh, yes. balloons.

silver, metallic. perhaps "it's a girl!!"

[that was my sister's joke, pretty funny n'est ce-pas?]

balloons.













thank you all most sincerely for your balloons, your words that have kept me up during this time.

[transmission to be continued sometime soon]




TWELVE HOURS TO GO