how do i put this? more ramblings from a mother steeped in pathos.

but first, some light entertainment.







*


okay, that's enough. to business.

i just want to thank elaine and locket for gorgeous, gorgeous words of support. of course they haven't accused me of being smothering and pathetic, they have been lovely and female and soft and understanding. which is what girls like to hear. they want to hear those soft words, the kind, supportive balloon words.

men tend to want to fix things, and rush in with their advice which can seem just a little bit unasked for, they run around brandishing their spanners-of-solutions. i know what they are doing, i get it. but it's just not what i want to hear.

but sometimes we need to hear the things we don't want to hear. don't we? it's part of being an adult. it's like, i'm ok, i can handle it, you can tell me things i don't want to hear.

chai, i know you understand too, and don't think i am singling you out here. you have been brave in standing up and saying it straight to me. (by the way i couldn't find any umbilicus pics in google image. hmmmm.)

and bevis, you too are a rock. a real rock, not a cotton rock.

i don't want to be a suffocating mother to princess. i am just working it all out as i go along. or not even really working anything out much. making it up as i go along.

but it really cheers me to have people say they think i am a good mother. i think i am. i really do. i work hard at it, and i put in. i'm not expecting her to bring herself up. it doesn't work like that. but i want princess to be a whole person. yes, slowly slowly. but whole. where she trusts her own judgment and makes her own decisions, and learns the hard way by making her own mistakes.

it's just that you love them so much, you want to protect them from everything bad.

so, to the current situation.

when i checked my emails today there was one from princess:

"hello mum i am thinking of cumming home erly because i am rilly missing you i will let you know when i know when the date is love you a lot princess"

now i got this email and i started to wonder whether my suffocation from afar had caused this.

seriously, i have been trying to not be worrisome and needy. i really don't think i have. my last two posts here have been a breeze. after the great snowstorm i've been fine. and to tell the truth, before that i was too, i was missing her, sure. but not bleating about it. (just here a bit, but this is where i let my guard down bigtime. in real life, i am as fortressed as anyone else.)

i wondered how to reply. i didn't want her to cut short her holiday and then regret it later. i didn't want her father being able to accuse me of influencing her to leave early. however, i also wanted to support her if she was really feeling bad.

had my text messages over the weekend until i spoke to her made her feel homesick?
had the phone call with karen somehow affected things? ie did karen get in touch with ali and say that i had been panicking? again, i was terse with her on the phone, not panicking.

as i was trying to compose my reply, via sms, the phone rang and it was her. they were back in san francisco.

small voice, sounding as though she might cry. she told me she was thinking about coming home. i told her not to decide quickly, that nothing special is happening here, she's not missing anything. i told her gigi was back, i was taking her for walks in the morning.

how's your work going? she asked

[shit, is she worried that she can't come back because i said i was going to do lots of work, and she thinks she will interrupt my plans?]

it's going all right, i said. i'm trying to do as much as i can.

so what's happening, darling. what does baba say about you coming back early?

he says it's fine with him. you called karen, and you were freaking out, she said.

who told you that? i said

karen said you called, she said.

[fuck]

i wasn't freaking out until i spoke to her, she made me worried, talking about a snowstorm, i said. she made me worried with her talking.

[princess mumbled something into the phone. something about karen and alcohol. i kid you not.]
i'm thinking oh great. now she's hanging out with drunks. that explains karen's dottiness. i remembered ali telling me a story a few years ago about karen causing trouble between him and lisa, telling her he was just using her (lisa) and planning to "go back to his wife." (news to me)

it's all just so high-school.

then karen gets on the phone. i'm thinking, don't fucking start, lady, i am this close to bawling you out.
you know, melbournegirl, princess is saying she wants to go home early, and ali's going to be really busy from tomorrow, he's got a show in san diego, and they have to drive to southern california in 80 degree heat, and he can get really obnoxious when he's working, he really sometimes is not pleasant to be around
karen, i interrupt. he's always pleasant to his daughter. always. and you don't need to tell me what he's like, i've known him for 15 years and was married to him for ten, so really i know what he's like.

[i'm thinking, how the fuck do i find myself in these situations?]
anyway, it's like i phone counsel princess for another ten minutes. it's all coming out, how much she misses me, how she is worried about her new teacher not understanding her problems with spelling and how she bets she'll be behind the other kids in the class, and she's worried about not having enough time to settle back in before school, and how she can't sleep, and she's going to bed too late to read her books, but she is having trouble going to sleep.

i know what the problem is. she is over tired because ali and lisa wouldn't be routining her. she needs routine. she will have been very busy, going full on for a week and be quite exhausted, plus all the emotional stuff. she's had a week of it, and has probably just had enough. she usually finds that when ali comes out here after about a week she's had enough of the high-octane, hyper-emotion-type whirlwind situation that he carries around with him.

i tell her again not to make a quick decision. i stress that it's fine with me if she comes home early (i don't want her thinking i don't want her), just to let me know. to work it out with baba, they can make a good decision together.

so i'll hear more tomorrow.

and another thing. can anyone tell me that i'm not fucking dreaming when i say that at 1.37pm today it was 6.37pm in san francisco A DAY BEHIND, so ie friday? it's saturday today right? we are on the phone at 1.30 this afternoon and booze-addled karen is saying it's saturday there as well.
hugs to you all, even the spanner boys.

xxx

* wasn't brigitte bardot pretty when she was young?

day 9.
18 days to go. maybe. maybe less it seems. we shall see.