when i was very young

i knew this family. back then, they looked like any other kids but they were called lady emma, lord alexander* and boppy. don't ask me about the boppy thing; he was the youngest, he was fat and that's what people called him.

their mother was lady mary montagu, aka mad mary as the geelong'ites used to refer to her. behind her back, or in front of her, i don't know.

one summer all of the following things happened:

1. i went to the circus with them twice. the first time, there was a bit where they got a volunteer from the audience, put the kid on top of one of the circus horses, tied a "safety" harness around his waist, which was attached to a rope, which then was fed up through a metal hook at the top of the tent above the sawdust ring. they got the horse to go around faster and faster and the kid got scared, from memory, but then the punchline was that they pulled the kid off the horse, hoisting him up by the rope around his waist. then the clowns ran on and "helped" him down to safety and in the process "accidentally" dacked the kid, so there he was in his undies, with the audience laughing at him.

nice. anyway, we left the circus, talking about how mean it was and what bastards they were and then boppy hatched a plan. we would go to another show, he would volunteer to be the sucker kid, it would all unfold as before, except when his dacks got pulled off, he would be wearing his bathers underneath, and the joke would be on the clowns. geddit? genius. we thought we were so smart, we were going to have the last laugh. on clowns, for godsake. ashton's circus clowns. real clowns!

so, we went to another show. boppy had his red speedos underneath. he was out of his seat and running down to volunteer before they'd even really selected him from the crowd. he was up on the horse, beaming fatly. it all went to plan, they hoisted him up, he was ready, he put up a show of fighting them a bit when they dacked him, but then he stood up, so pleased with himself -

ha, you fuckers, i'm wearing my bathers, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!

except he didn't say that. that's just what we were all thinking, us who were in on it.

except, only problem was the clowns didn't realise. the bathers just looked like red jocks. the crowd didn't realise our victory either. so poor boppy still got laughed at, and came sheepishly back to his seat, calling out to no one and everyone they're my bathers! BATHERS!

2. i went around to their beach house one day to watch television. there were no parents there that i remember. i was probably about 10 or 11. emma was a little younger? boppy about 8. and alex was a bit older than me. say 12.

we sat in the lounge room, i don't remember who else was there, but i do remember alex took off all of his clothes, was lolling about, moving about the room, bending over in front of the tv to change the channel, so i got a really good look at his arse and balls. and i just sat there and didn't know what to do. so, i just pretended there was nothing wrong with him being nude and walking around like that, and posing.

so, there you go. next thing, his son is one of michael jackson's alleged victims.

* Alexander Charles David Francis George Edward Wiliam Kimble Drogo Montagu

can someone please explain

why can't this man have nuclear capability?
when all these people do:









APJ Abdul Kalam - India













George W Bush - United States












Hu Jintao - China














Jacques Chirac - France












Pervez Musharraf - Pakistan














Tony Blair - United Kingdom













Vladimir Putin - Russia (don't you just love him, he's so, I don't know - moody)

It's not confirmed that Israel does, but let's think that they do. Most probably.

So why can't Kim Jong-Il have some big guns?

It's the sunglasses, isn't it?

And also the fact that he's a freako and a film nut. Not that there's anything wrong with the film nut part.

And appeared in Team America too.

That must be it.

happiness, and sadness.

happy, fun, good, romantic, tipsy, full, lots of dishes, watch big brother, when will we do the presents, two slices of cake, evil-red berry juice, presents? champagne, hear hear to the future, oh what a good husband be he, but why am i on the computer while he does the dishes?


and sadness, end-of-an-era oh why do things have to change, i like things to always stay the same, people always there and nothing moving on. because i always, always find it hard to move on and say goodbye.


onwards and upwards, hey comrades?

continued, the art world

i'm not sure what i think about the goings-on in sydney with the photographs being removed by police from bill henson's exhibition, and the news that charges will be laid.

but my thoughts are:

1. i guess if he wanted to depict something special about vulnerability and youth, he could have used a scrawny, under-developed 18-year-old model.

2. it made me feel uncomfortable, while looking him up on the internet, thinking i might inadvertently download something "unacceptable". all in the name of research doesn't really cut it, hey pete townsend?

3. a quick google trying to find american photographer sally mann - who has had her share of controversy for publishing photographs of her children naked over the years - showed me that there have been court-cases in the states where parents dropping off rolls of film to be developed at k-mart and the like have been arrested and charged with child pornography over photos of their children naked.

4. don't all parents take snaps of their babies and kids naked, and in the bath, and rolling on the rug, and at the beach?

5. when i was a teenager, david hamilton was incredibly popular. hell, he was to the poster, card and calendar business in the '70s what anne geddes and her pumpkin-hatted cherubs was to the poster, card and calendar business in '90s. the girls used to love his photos, which were dreamy and romantic, shot through vaseline-coated lenses and usually featured pubescent girls and boys in "various stages of undress." there was even a movie bilitis, and while that was soft-core porn, the posters of ballerinas in tutus and sylvan-wood-nymph boys in pastel togas were not sexually arousing to me, anyway. but then i was that age myself, and not some paedo.

6. i'm nervous about even linking the names david hamilton and sally mann above to any webpages because what you can see is possibly inappropriate.

really melbourne city council?

i was going to write a post about the on-going censorship by this council, against young artists. but i can't be bothered, i haven't got time to go through all the archives trying to find pictures of this and that.

but just remember. the artist who had the palestine/israel installation. painted over.

the recent one, with the nude man and mickey mouse ears. stopped.

which of the above three am i most comfortable with? the first two. the ones where the images are connected to ideas and attitudes. do we not have freedom of thought?

the one i'm not that comfortable with is the nude man one. i don't know where it was displayed or where it was intended for display. if in the street, then i agree that people who don't want to see naked people in a public space shouldn't have to. if in a gallery, or a room, or even a little-used alley-way or lane, then it should be allowed. what the hull?

and when will it be over?

ps and the whole thing about john so never wanting to upset china shits me as well.

certain truths that must be faced:

1. i love my hot water bottle. love him. for he is bluey. mark II.

2. princess has started calling me dude.

3. your hair will not look or feel any different no matter how many wonderful and promising words are written on the shampoo bottle.

4. hello, my name is melbournegirl and i am a poached egg addict.

5. the gigi is famous? a stranger said hello to her on sunday as we walked st kilda. and used her name. and we didn't know her. blogger, peut-etre?


and finally...


6. watching the opening to simon townsend's wonderworld, it feels like i last watched it just the other night. this makes me feel a little bit happy and a little bit depressed.

who i want to be right now

i have always had a bit of a thang for john cusack. like the rest of the world. but because i'm a contemporary of his, my thing goes back to the first time i saw him in a movie.

and no, it wasn't say anything, the movie that people always cite as the movie they "discovered" and therefore for ever after owned john cusack.

it was the sure thing, in 1985, made a full 4 years before say anything. so you see, i own him.

but anyway. this post is more about the darling diablo cody than john. sort of. kind of. you see, she has gone from writing a blog, writing a book about being a stripper for a year, and then writing a screenplay for a movie that won academy awards a couple of months ago. i've been following her myspace page, and a recent offering was this:


Artist on Artist: John Cusack and Diablo Cody



there are just so many things i like about this video, this girl and of course, john.

1. the fact that they started chatting at some old function.

2. the fact that they stayed in touch. texting. calling. so sweet that he would do that.

3. the fact that she is wearing long, red socks and funny shoes, but she doesn't look try-hard.

4. the fact that she's got short hair at the nape of her neck, like me.

5. the fact that she mocks herself on her myspace page about the looks she gives the camera and that she fidgets in her chair like a romanian [attention-starved] orphan.

6. she's just so damn smart and quick.

7. he gives her a kiss at the end.

i think he likes her. the way he says "nice" after she describes her latest horror film project about a girl who literally consumes the men she seduces "she eats boys" is so telling.

and i want to be her.

it's official

i have less cellulite than mischa barton.

that is all.

come on pollsters. i need a few more.

so let's really get down to business, hey? there's a theme developing here, but the sample is still too small i have to admit.



i wish to prove my point that not only do collingwood indeed have the reputation of being the most-hated club, there are actual reasons beyond inter-generational-attitudes-inheritance; ie you saw a little tacker as above at the football, and he was giving the other team (or his own) the finger.

onto other matters:

annoying is:
... having to return a purchase to dobson's in glenferrie road. melburnians will know that glenferrie road can be as hard to travel as punt road.

interesting is:
... i'm sure there's a fight club in the park near here. on a sunday, late afternoon'ish. they don't go full on, but definitely, it's a fight club of sorts.

sad is:
... hearing about the young dog that got hit by a car and died on the weekend. i was told by the owner who was walking her remaining dog. sadness.

worrying is:
... the amount of jif cream cleaner dribbles on my funkoid grey exercise breeches.

worrying is also:
... HOW FREAKING FILTHY THE SHOWER WAS.

happiness is:
... the delish little salad i made for myself and ate just before. red salmon, a smidge of leftover rice, normal salad with a bit of fetta cheese crumbled, red onion slivers, few kalamata olives. salt. pepper. fresh thyme.

love is:
... I LOVE FRESH THYME. IF I HAD TO CHOOSE ONE HERB, IT WOULD BE THYME.

annoying is also:
... the amount of corniness in the west wing. forgive me, but i am a newbie, watching on dvd for the first time. I WAS OVERSEAS WHEN IT WAS ON, OKAY?

cute is:
... the way sam on west wing is trying not to fall for the escort girl/hooker.

yummy is:
... poached eggs. all the time. i love them.

worrying is also:
... reading recently that a doctor only ever eats quarter of an egg yolk at a time. he gives the rest to his dog. "let the dog have the heart attack" he quipped.

interesting is:
... reading the road by cormac mc carthy. i think i'm liking it more than no country, but you know what, it's reminding me of a stephen king story.

that's all for now. have to go to dobson's.

it's time

for another poll.

remember the last poll? about the bedtime-attire pecadilloes of bloggers, with particular focus on the under-pant wearing aspect thereof?

it was incredibly successful, with initial posts, follow-ups and a dissemination of results.

* * *


so here be the current question.

you know how everybody hates collingwood? and everybody hates their supporters?

if you disagree, then you are a collingwood supporter. but even you know that everybody else hates collingwood.

now i know this, and you know this, but a certain someone i live with does not seem to accept this. it was very hard tonight when he came home from the game against carlton, the most hated of rivals, to not smile and rub it in. i ended up doing so after really trying hard not to. there were crushed children's hearts involved as well. i waited until they were out of the room before i let my grin emerge. so what is it about collingwood losing that so thrills me? is it just me?

i don't believe so. people in the media perpetuate the hatred of collingwood, the bagging of the team and the supporters. even my dad, mild-mannered'ish and secure in the cats current domination can't help himself - he sneaks in a dig (to me, on the quiet) about collingwood being thugs. so i'm curious to know how widespread this really is. not that a blog-poll is anything but a small, and perhaps fairly skewed sample. but let's try, shall we?

please advise in the comments section the following:

1. which team do you support in afl. even if you don't give a rat's arse about football, there is a team, even deep within your psyche, which you are partial to. you know it's true.

actually, if it's NOT true, please advise. i may have to do some follow-up questioning.

2. having stated your team, if it's NOT collingwood, then please advise another team that you have a soft spot for. ie if your team has no chance to win the premiership, who would you like to win. we all have a fondness for other teams, and without biasing the study, i would suggest st. kilda is one of those teams.

3. if you would like to state outright that you hate collingwood and/or the supporters, please state why. there must be reasons. i want to try to tease out themes, ie is it generational perchance? are there personal reasons for this antipathy, were you sworn at by a toothless collingwood supporter when you were 6?

i think that's all. i may tweak as we go.

the spare room

in my mind, there are two sort of unpopular (at times) writers who emerged from australia. one is germaine greer and the other is helen garner. maybe unpopular is the wrong word. i guess i am trying to say that these two women seem to polarise people; people either love them or hate them, and firmly and unchangeably divided into camps, then argue for them or against them.

helen garner caused a lot of hullabaloo when her book the first stone was published. i remember standing at a party, drink in hand after reading - and thoroughly enjoying - this book with a small group of people. all of them were damning garner for the stance they perceived her to have taken with this book. all of them accused her of betraying her feminist sisters (ie the young women at the centre of the case) and, when i asked, all of them admitted to not having even read the book. from memory, there were a couple of women, and one man, and it was the man who was the most aggressively vocal in his anti-garner tirade.

i stood my ground and said that i'd read the book, and that if anyone came off badly in it is was helen herself, who seemed to be continually berating herself within the text, for her unkind feelings towards the girls and her wonderings - or suspicions - about why they wouldn't talk to her. she also agonised over the very issue of whether she was betraying the femininist "code" and seemed to leave it unresolved in her mind. i remember it as an honest and direct book, and being convinced that garner had really tried to do it to the best of her ability, and had wrestled with its complexities and been almost unhinged by it in some way. it was a book, i thought, surprisingly empty of judgment - she didn't seem to damn anyone, she was sincerely just trying to understand what happened, how it happened, and find the truth. she wrote about her difficulties with telling the story, and admitted it was one-sided because the young women wouldn't talk to her.

suddenly, liking helen garner became a kind of dangerous thing to do. not unlike saying that you like and admire germaine greer. everyone seems to either fear the greer, or love her. i want to resist getting into things germaine here, but suffice to say now i have finished on chesil beach, another very compelling book (but with a somewhat weak denouement) next on the list is shakespeare's wife. it's there, perched on the edge of my bedside table, waiting for me.

tonight.

but to the spare room. i read it in two days. i passed it to my mother. she read it in one. we are both big fans of garner's - going back years. my interest in her is buoyed by the fact that while she is my father's second cousin, i have never met her. i missed the funeral of my grandfather - i was overseas. should i feel shame at not regretting my inability to attend my grandfather's funeral as much as i regret not meeting helen garner on that day?

probably.

my father said to me 20 years ago, or more, when i first told him i was working on a story (a winsome and girlishly pathetic pirate romance, from memory) that he could get her phone number so i could call and see if she would read it. i'm so glad i didn't. that story wasn't a story - it was just some written down fantasy, exploring my love-lust for a certain english fop-singer who had a white line painted across his nose. best left behind.

so she's kind of like a mystery to me. she hovers there, in the family, distantly, but someone i feel i wish i knew. i would like to have met her once. maybe at my father's funeral. god i'm a bitch.

for me, the spare room, resonated with an awesome power. i have been the character helen, and her friend, nicola, was my mum. as i read the book, i made all the parallels in my mind. i didn't have the 3am sheet-washing or having to physically nurse her (only a couple of times did i have to help my mother get dressed, dried or wipe her bottom), but i had my mother live with me for 15 months one time, and the second time for about 6 months. i gave up my bed happily, i cooked and looked after her, taking her trays in bed, washing her clothes, ferrying her to peter mac. that was all easy. what was hard was dealing with the resentment, the anger, the rage that would build. and then the guilt - how could i be feeling like this when my poor, sick, cancer-stricken mother, with no hair, skin and bones, in pain, who gave me life, who gave me everything when i was growing up - how could i then repay her like this?

it was a more loaded relationship than the one the helen character in the book has with her friend. but alot of the emotions were the same. like the anger. like the suspicion that your loved one is being taken advantage of by charlatan health-gurus. my mother told me that she went to a clinic much like the one described in the book - the theodore institute - which actually had a fucking tepee thing for smoking you.

but i didn't want to go in there, she said.

oh my god, i said, i didn't know about that place.

the man there, the doctor, he was like she described in the book.

oh my GOD.

and the vitamin c, they wanted to inject me with it, but i didn't really want that, and they were too expensive, so i just took the tablets.

for me, for us i suspect, i was hard having the mother-daughter role reversed. i didn't want to be the grown up one, i wanted her to stay the same. always there for me, always the patient, kind, supportive mother that she'd always been. i didn't want to have to be selfless, and swallow my annoyances when her particular personality foibles bothered me. i went through a divorce, i had to work and earn money and rush around after a toddler. cook. clean.

and i worried that my mum would die. we had several crises - she had a stem cell transplant and wound up in icu for days. she got listeria and battled that with no immune system to speak of. she got a bad knee from the cancer spreading and it wasn't diagnosed or treated promptly enough.

but mostly i worried that i'd damaged our relationship beyond repair with my moodiness, and my snippiness, and my sharp tongue. that my mother's unconditional love might have become conditional upon the fact that i be nice to her, that i look after her with kindness, that i have compassion for a woman who was sick. isn't that the natural reaction to have when faced with the sickness of your mother?

at times the compassion was hard to feel. and even harder to show.

mum survived and now the cancer is gone. amazingly our relationship has gone back to mother and daughter, the way it was. but we have all learnt things. about compassion. about communication. we had the hard conversations, the ones you absolutely should have if you think a person you most love is going to maybe, possibly, might happen - no, surely it's not possible, yes it is - die. the words have to be said, where you tell them you love them, and this one is the hardest, that you will really really miss them when they aren't here anymore. usually this bit is prefaced with "whenever you do die, even if it's in 20 years" and accompanied with a wryly brave smile, because you are both thinking "it might be alot earlier than that" but you both choose to ignore that and pretend.

reading helen garner's novel made me think, fuck, perhaps i'm not the only one to have felt like this when caring for a loved one. maybe it's common? maybe it's normal?

you see, there's so much written about the sick people, not much about the carers. that's why i loved this book. because it was real, and it was true. and as for the arguments re fiction and non-fiction:

it just doesn't matter. i'm not interested. when something makes me feel, or validates my feelings, that's enough for me.

HE HASN'T FUCKED IT UP!!!!!!

he said it in china.

he said it to chinese.

he said it in chinese.


this was the best thing i could have seen on the front page of the age this morning.

the man has not fucked it up. he is not caving. he is not pussy-footing. he is not tap-dancing. he is not side-stepping. he is not demurring. he is not faltering. he is not puncey. he is not timid.

so i guess we'll see what kind of diplomat he really is now.

exciting times, friends.

i put papaya there...

my looney bun is fine benny lava

some nostalgia

i remember seeing this on tv when i was a kid.

the song has never left me.

i am amazed to find this on youtube.

the power of the almighty tube.

awesome.

Really?

st. kilda today

is there something really different about whether you live north or south of the river?

i know the cooler young people live north of the river.

but i reckon the cool older people live south. in st. kilda.

i hate st. kilda on a weekend. and even a thursday night.

give me st. kilda on a wednesday morning about 10am, when the grand old dame is empty of tourists from other suburbs, and the dirty footpaths can be trod by me and my dog.

or on a school day, in the afternoon, about 5 o'clock when you can be coming back from the park, and be stopped by an old man on a door step in a back street. he is wearing a singlet and has skinny arms and legs, which poke out of baggy shorts.

hello, he says. what's your name, son?

small boy looks at me.

i smile and tell the old man.

you any good with that footy, son?

yep, you bet, he's good all right, i say.

you gunna play for any league when you're older?

small boy looks at me, then at the old man

collingwood, he says in a small voice.

argh, no! you need to play for geelong!

that's what i think, i say.

anyway son, you make sure you don't let anyone push you around, you have to learn to stand up for yourself.

the old man is emphatic about that.

we say goodbye and the small boy with me asks if i know the old man.

nope, i say. i just like to talk to people if they talk to me, especially old people.

small boy is confused, i can see that. after all the lessons of not talking to strangers etc. i can see his brain spinning.

you can't talk to people on your own, but when you're with me, you can.

he accepts this logic and sees that it is right.

and he was right, i say, that bit about standing up for yourself. it's something we've all got to learn.

* * *

but this morning, i am with white dog, not small boy. we skirt the grand prix mess [shakes fist and curses] and walk along canterbury road. then we cut in along the street with a hotel on one corner and a bike shop on the other; we walk down to the beach. then back along towards st. kilda to the place where the dogs can swim. year round, any time of day, off lead.

it is magical.

witness:

* * *

after the water we cut back up through catani gardens, the grass is so dry. the notice for the laughter club is in the bushes at the base of the rotunda. the meetings are every saturday at 10am.

we walk up fitzroy street. street cafe is behind us (best seafood pasta and great service) as is the spanish restaurant, can't remember the name, but enjoyed it years ago.

they are putting the tables out at di stasio. gigi makes a beeline for a man walking towards us and gets in front of him. i tell her to watch where she's going, and as i walk on, i feel the man thinks i have just shouted at him.

there's a man with hoodie on the nod on the steps of the prince of wales. the 711 does not have the annoying "street performer" out the front, who is frenetic and quite threatening when you walk past in the evening with an ice-cream and kids.

there is an old man with his pants too high, and another hooded junkie coming towards us. we are in the badlands, the bit in the middle where it's most interesting, where there's still a little bit of colour and grunge and you can have an ice cream at cold rock and there'll be an aboriginal family sitting there wanting to give your dog left-over pizza crusts, and you talk to the kids, and your kids talk to their kids, and they all pat the dog - the great leveller - and that this can happen in the city is to me great.

the george is shut. and the underneath pavement bar is advertising for staff. there is no witty blackboard out the front saying "drink more beer" or "beer is life" or anything like that. [note: this blackboard shtick has been copied all over; this place did it first, and it was the manager phil years ago who instigated it. i don't think he's still the manager.]

people at the st kilda grocery bar, always are, i don't like it too trendy even though i have to admit i have been there though not recently and i had an exchange with the very scary alannah hill, who suggested that her then-toddler son had taken a shining to my slightly older princess, yeah, they should totally get married, "older woman" giggle giggle, etc.

gigi stops for a drink at cafe banff, they always have water out the front. banff has gone down-market but in a good way and i reckon is the only place, the ONLY PLACE on fitzroy street which has cultivated a north-river atmosphere. almost. it is really cheap, good food, but the wine comes in tumblers. i'm trying to deal with this.

then there's d. chirico with those gorgeous salesgirls, kate is the cutest and the sweetest, she has red hair normally but she's dyed it a light-choc brown, and she also has the best dresses.

then up past the japanese restaurant, struggling now i suspect - it used to be packed 8 years ago when it was the new kid on the block; now there's always the same man sitting outside drinking wine.

the salon where they wax you; you can choose to either have a spunky turkish girl, deriye, or a man. i saw a man sitting at the counter this morning; he is chubby with funky specs and bald. when i had deriye working on me, oh too long ago now, must make an appointment ey? she said he's a great waxer, when i asked whether women booked a session with him. i just don't think i could go there, he's not a gynaecologist after all.

then we have the big three: a taglio, with the best pizza by the slice, and the best blue-swimmer crab with a bit of red chilli, garlic and thin spaghetti. then bar corvino which has come up in my estimation - used to be bad, bad, bad. i had a bad breakfast there once years ago, my girlfriend had mouldy orange cake one night after the movies and my mother always talks about the time we were in there, and they had possum on the menu. personally, i don't think possum on a menu is a bad thing, but she obviously does.

next to bar corvino there is bar roy. i don't like bar roy - it's cold and impersonal with plastic chairs and a big kind of cavernous space. but the biggest reason i don't like it is it used to be cleopatra's, where you could get ace lebanese food and the owners would all make a fuss over princess and give her free baklava, and she would run in to say hi to ozzie.

at the moment, however, you can go in and have a drink with two corvettes. or were they lambourghinis? i don't remember, i don't even know how to spell those cars.

then there is the new chinese restaurant, mah jong, with impressive decor and an even more impressive review in the age a couple of months ago which mentioned that the young owner was waiting on tables. i will go there one day but somehow it looks just a little too new at the moment.

and then soon we are home, where the gigi gets rinsed under the hose and parked out on the balcony to dry off.

and i eat rice with mushroom salad.

channelling elaine benes for a minute

remember that seinfeld episode when elaine thought that a cafe owner was only hiring large-breasted waitresses? and it turned out they were all his daughters.

well, has anyone else noticed that baker d.chirico only hires sales-girls who wear floral, 1940s dresses and who are all really quite pretty, with rabelaisian hair?

there's none of this:

i'm not saying it's a bad thing. just saying is all.

the black dog

was it ernest hemingway who talked of the black dog? it was his depression, and i wonder if he imagined it lying at his feet under that table in havana, or at the door of harry's bar in venice. sitting patiently, waiting while ern finished his cigar or pernod or toasted cheese sandwich.

i don't have a black dog. my thing is a monkey, that sits on my right shoulder, and incessantly chatters, and tugs at my hair. mischievous little shit.

how do i find a way to quieten the monkey?

my days, my waking hours, are filled with all the normal stuff that people have to do to get through their lives. there are things to do with food, washing clothes, tidying houses, vaccuuming floors, picking up papers, making sure there's only one green guide on the coffee table. changing bed linen, collecting mail, walking up and down stairs. supermarket. butcher. baker. candlestick maker.

then there's the doctor appointments, school assemblies, dentist, vet. there's the friends, lunch, dinner, text, phone, email. there's family, as above. but even more intense.

the kids, three of them with their own realities, their own egocentricities, their own special characters; flaws and delights.

all the relationships must be maintained. you can't just throw your hands up in the air and say "fuck it."

but against all this, or with all this, there is a multi-layered and many-machined grinding of activity that is my brain.

this is where the monkey comes in. he sits there on my shoulder, and feeds me the thoughts. he picks them up out of the air, pops then through my ear into my brain. and there they start spinning. so on top of all that other stuff you have to do, pay bills, have sex, watch quality television on dvd - oh my god hands up who has watched love my way? - so on top of all that, i have my brain going a million miles an hour, jumping across topics, flitting all over the place.

it's too much.

i've tried meditation. i've tried yoga. i've tried pounding at the gym.

i can't say none worked, but an hour at meditation is good. i can clear my mind and try to, really try to, keep things quiet and calm. but then i walk out and go head on into the rest of my life.

i have to find a way to make the monkey still.

does this sound like i'm going mad? really, i'm not going mad, i'm just waking up.

every day i am a little more awake.

the hangover hell that is ikea

what is worse than going to ikea on a sunday?

GOING TO IKEA ON A SUNDAY WITH A HANGOVER.

what is worse than going to ikea on a sunday with a hangover?

GOING THROUGH IKEA TWICE ON A SUNDAY WITH A HANGOVER.

i had to go back and get the fake peonie roses from the display vase - yep, lifted them out of the vase in the show room, grabbed the label/price thing too, then went all the way back through, lined up again with the million other people, and got them. 5 very pretty fake peonies for $20. usually the nice looking ones are almost $20 per stem, which is what has always put me off.

it was worth it, they look gorge.

hope you are all ok.

i'm never drinking again. what a stupid fucking night, i'm ashamed of myself.

and the oscar goes to...

 

















worst nose - owen wilson. you know it's true and he nose it's true too.

best gown - tilda swinton. i mean look at it. it's as beautiful and mysterious and silky dark as loch ness.

best speech - diablo cody. at the end, just going "gah" and having to run off. i notice that she seemed to ditch the spesh shoes that were organised for her, and gone for flats. good on her, you go girl, don't sell your soul to the hollywood man, etc.

funniest presenter - anne hathaway. she was better than steve carrell.

most delicious female - marion cotillard. nice frock too.

people who you know you would have a fantastic time in bed with - jonah hill and seth rogan. together even. it would just be too funny you wouldn't even get to the sex which would be just fine because you'd be laughing too much and that would be better really than even being there with pitt and clooney, say.

worst gown - jennifer hudson.

worst boobage - jennifer hudson.

best richard wilkins brush-off - nicole kidman.

most nervous - katherine heigl. come on, the first rule of being nervous in front of a crowd is NEVER ADMIT IT. i would have been more relaxed than her.

best lover of everyone, and smiler and emoter - laura linney. was she the only one they could get the camera on who was smiling for most of the event?

people i would have wanted to hang out with afterwards - daniel day-lewis, tilda swinton, marion cotillard and javier bardem. come on, admit it, you know it would be great.

GIDDY UP, AUSTRALIA. IT'S NATIONAL SORRY DAY

go kevin

sorry is the first step

to me, there's something epic about knowing that at the moment, and in days past, there has been a slow but steady trickle of indigenous people, travelling to canberra for tomorrow's sorry day. it's a moving thing, and a sad thing, that these people have to travel great distances, simply to hear an apology. but it's also breathtakingly evocative; indigenous people on the move in this beautiful country, wending their way towards what will hopefully be a moment that helps them heal, and makes them realise that there are a lot of people in australia who feel sorry and want reconciliation. a proper reconciliation.

some people deny there was a stolen generation, let alone generations. despite the intentions of the governments during the period of child removal (1910s to 1970s), and whether people were motivated out of kindness to remove children from abusive/neglectful family situations, the impacts on people's lives have been devastating at worst, and "affecting" at best. how can this be denied? even if it was considered in the best interests of these children, can people not realise that it can be said now, without falsity, "well, we got it wrong. we meant well, but we fucked up."

clearly there has been a whole range of experiences for those children taken away from their families. but for some, for many it seems, it remained a blight on the rest of their lives. it's not easy being indigenous in this country - it's unjust when experiences like this just add to the hardship.

and the hardship continues as we know. i'm thinking the sorry should cover past stuff, from invasion onwards, and to today, that somehow leaders in this country can't get it right when it comes to the inequity across many areas (all areas?) faced by the indigenous population of australia. but there seems to be hope. today we are waiting for the apology to be made, formally, tomorrow in canberra. who knows what might come next? perhaps some real policies which translate into real, sustained, beneficial action.

now. let's all be sorry tomorrow.

it's a sweet, sweet week for us left-wing, bleeding heart losers.

the only thing that would make it sweeter would be to see this on the front steps of parliament house:

but i guess, realistically, one dream is enough for the day.

robert manne's position

andrew bolt's position

restoring white havaianas

i'm being a lazy blogger but also trying to kick-start my other blogs - big tips and food musings.

i've posted the following on big tips but thought i'd get more suggestions here.

maybe not.

ok, so i know it was a mistake to buy white havvies. i know that now. but the fact is that the black ones i bought at the same time i bought the white ones, are long dead. and the brown ones i bought after the black ones died, broke yesterday. yes we were walking up fitzroy street from checking out the festival of st. kilda when the bit that goes between the toe snapped just outside that coolsie bar on the corner of fitz and canterbury rds. no, not the prince, and not the terminus and not the chemist [that's not a bar you fool] but the other one. while gigi was trying to get in the door past the rather slim bouncers, i kind of twisted my foot and snappo. so my brown thongs are now in the bin outside that bar.

so i had to walk barefoot home.

do you realise how dangerous this is in st kilda?

do you realised that within a 200 metre radius of the pig and whistle/elephant and wheelbarrow place there are a billion shards of broken glass?

anyway we got home without me slashing my feet.

and then i went and got my grotty, dirty, grubby, blackened "white" thongs out of the cupboard.

they are horrible.

but until i get my next pair [i'm going brown again. it's my fave colour] i would like to try and clean these ones.

yes, i've tried an old toothbrush with some sort of ajaxy powder.

any tips?

when the celebs come out and endorse american politicians

if you were an american presidential candidate, who would give you more endorsement credibility?

george or ric?

babs or jenna?

i was amused by a piece in the age yesterday, which detailed who the celebrities are rooting for in the current u.s. presidential nominee primaries.

check the list:

hillary clinton - barb streisand, steven spielberg, jack nicholson, carly simon, janet jackson, hugh hefner, magic johnson, jerry springer and jenna jameson.

pretty predictable apart from the pornographers. mildly interesting.

then for barack there is oprah, gorgeous george, will smith, halle berry, stevie wonder, robert de niro, forrest whittaker, kathleen turner, toni morrison, gene wilder, ethel kennedy and maria shriver.

also pretty predictable.

for john mc cain there is arnold schwarzenegger (married to maria shriver, oooh, potential republican vs democrat election-night tension there), sly stallone, tom selleck, rip torn, general norman schwarzkopf and screenwriter joe eszterhas (sliver, showgirls, basic instinct.) i can see a bit of a theme here, tough guy macho mixed with sexploitation-type b-grade movies.

and then there's that scary wife, featured today at rywhm.

for me, the most interesting candidate is mike huckabee. firstly there's that surname, which none of us can hear or read without imagining this:

then there is the fact that mike huckabee reminds me of gomer pyle:

no really, he does.

look again.

for mike huckabee there is chuck norris and his wife on youtube telling people to vote for huckabee, rocker ted nugent and pro wrestler ric "the nature boy" flair.

who looks like this:

and whose wiki file includes the following fascinating information:

Finishing and signature moves

Figure four leglock
Knife edge chop, usually with Flair shouting "Wooooooooo!"
Belly to back suplex
Chop block
Elbow drop to the knee
Inverted atomic drop
Running Knee drop
Shin breaker (Used normally to set up for the Figure Four)
Stalling double arm suplex
Standing Vertical Suplex
Step over toehold
Small package rollup

Signature illegal moves
Various roll-ups while holding tights or with his feet on the ropes
Eye poke
Low blow
Thumb to the eye
Testicular claw

Other signatures

Throwing an object down (such as his suit jacket or Mick Foley's autobiography, due to their rivalry) and subsequently dropping an elbow onto it.

The "Flair Flop", where after being pummeled (usually in the corner), he will confidently stride out and look to have regained his composure, only to flop flat on his face.

After being floored to the mat, holds his hands up whilst kneeling down submissively and begs his opponent not to strike him (often yelling "Nooo!" in the process); thus catching them off-guard, and usually then resulting in a low blow or a thumb to the eyes.

Being caught and thrown off the top turnbuckle whenever he tries a move from there.

Being thrown towards the turnbuckle, flipping over the top rope and landing on the apron, followed by one of two things: 1. Flair runs along the apron to the next available corner, climbs to the top rope where, almost always, he will be grabbed by his opponent and body slammed back into the ring; or 2. Flair runs along the apron towards the next corner, but is clotheslined (either by his opponent or an opposing partner in a tag match) before he gets to the corner.

Nicknames
"The Nature Boy" Ric Flair
Naitch (Short for "Nature Boy")
The Dirtiest Player in the Game
The Man
Limousine ridin', jet flying, kiss stealin', wheelin' dealing, son of a gun
Space Mountain
The Sixty-Minute Man

i rest my case. surely there can be no better candidate.

also, i was thinking if celebs were to come out of the woodwork here in australia and endorse political candidates, who would they be?

a few thoughts i had. for mark "bad boy" latham, hiding just off-stage where we didn't see them, might have been chopper read, mick gatto and joe korp?

for john howard, perhaps eddie mcguire, guy sebastian and darryl somers?

i don't know. any suggestions for current politico dudes?

my day yesterday

1. when you know it's not your car-space, don't park in it.

and then when i park behind you, to block you, so that you have to go to all the apartments in the block to find out whose car it is, and i am amiable about moving it, don't fucking tell me that i was inconsiderate to not leave a note telling you which door to knock on.

you were the inconsiderate one.

i was very considered, i knew exactly what i was doing, i knew that if you had to knock on all the doors, you might be less likely to do the same thing again.

don't be huffy with me, when you are in the wrong.

and don't think just because you are older, have a beard, are male and talk like a university lecturer that you can intimidate me. you have no idea who i am. mr.

2. brushing the gigi is like working a fairy-floss machine. i just don't know where it all comes from. if you live in melbourne, and somehow find a floating whisp of white fairy-floss-like ball, DO NOT EAT IT. it is from the gigi.

japan part 2

i came across some notes i'd made and shoved in one of my books from japan-times.

this is a list i made, early on during my stay. there are two sheets of paper, with a line drawn down the middle. on one side, the heading "strange or bad things" and on the other "positives".

note how i somehow equalled "strange" with "bad". i don't think i think like that any more. now i like the strange, i embrace the quirky, i seek out the odd.

i guess i've grown up.

strange or bad things:

• staring on trains, everywhere!
  rude to eat or drink in public
• slow walking
• banks, post offices, etc really slow, inefficient
• sniffing and hawking
• pissing on the street
• women let men sit down on trains. men don't give their seats to the elderly
• squat toilets
• women laugh and eat behind their hands
• no public affection
• fruit and vegies so expensive
• no birds (but they have crows)
• crazy drivers, no footpaths
• people don't give way on the street. Bump into people, don't say sorry.
• 180% squashing on trains
• no brown bread
• pins and needles from sitting on the floor too long
• cold showers
• hard pillows
• bikes ridden on pedestrian walk
• so inquisitive, want to know everything
• pollution
• over-packaging of food
• flowers expensive, $1 for a single stem (eg daisy)
• tasteless toothpaste
• newspapers expensive, ¥120-160 for flimsy 6-10 sheets
• $6-7 for a beer in bars
• long-staying gaijin turn Japanese
• Cosmopolitan mag costs $15
• no ovens
• Tokyo suicide line
• Japanese game shows
• 1 yen coins - nuisance
• no pepper in restaurants
• sewer smells on street
• only hair colour in shops is black
• separate slippers for balconies and toilets
• people sleeping on trains
• gloved train stuffers
• gloved taxi drivers with automatic doors and pristine white seat covers
• vending machines (condoms, beer, wine, cigarettes, batteries, porn movies, hamburgers, hot and cold drinks. Beer open until 11, 11.30, midnight.
• taped "I've been working on the railroad" soundtrack on the Hanshin train line
• short ironing boards
• tiny houses/flats
• kids go to school 6 days
• militant boys black school uniforms with brass buttons and inch-long haircuts
• girls' bucked teeth
• old men wearing pantyhose
• alcohol stench on trains
• cooking with gas only
• if moving into a new flat, you give 3-4 neighbours white towels and soaps
• take gifts if invited to a meal
• suit system: begin a new job with a company, start with blue suit. colour graded thereafter.
• men: affected speech where their intonation goes down saying "horrrrr" when responding to something amazing or interesting or unbelievable
• women: affected speech where their intonation goes up saying "mmmmm" like a plane taking off, in the same instances as above.
• family sleeping together eg. mother, father, 13-year-old daughter, all in one room.
• all the men have a little wallet/carry bag
• women carry one small shoulder bag and one large store paper bag with handles carried in crook of arm
• women have amazing skin - so youthful
• overstaffing in shops
• tiny shorts on boys - hight-cut and horrible
• taking shoes off everywhere
• pandering to children, especially boys
• 98% literacy but everybody reads comics on trains, even businessmen

positives:

• tissue packs handed out on streat
• trains efficient
• clean
• safe
• food
• cheap shoes
• cheap cigarettes
• companies pay for employees' transportation
• gomi system
• nice pastries
• cheap ice creams (nice)
• tap water okay
• cheap spirits
• food presentation in restaurants is superb
• bentos
• hot towels
• heated toilet seats
• mood lighting (3 phase, including candle light)
• sliced bread is so thick, the equivalent of 2 slices at home
• consumer society
• everyone well groomed and nicely dressed
• nice yoghurt
• specially marked arrows, circles and triangles on platforms at train stations. Depending on which train is arriving, you stand at a certain symbol to line up. Everybody follows the system.

interesting how most of my positive points are to do with food, drink and other vices. i love the appearance of "cheap shoes" at number 6 on the list. and free tissue packs at number 1.

japan's wonderful englishes*

* with apologies to our dearly departed friend, gianluca di milano.

i've worked out a way to blog about the trip without boring everyone, including myself, senseless.

i hope.

i will pick a photo from the holiday and use it as a springboard to get myself started.

and let's start with japan - osaka to be precise, and creap.





















"for relaxing coffee time your guest can enjoy its stylish design

stick creap will give you a splendid time"

creap is powdered cream that you put in your coffee, or tea. we saw this when we stayed at my japanese friend's parents' "retirement village" down near kobe. the place was called charming square, and let me tell you, no chance of even one bed sore in this place.

we stayed there a night in one of the guest apartments, it was very luxurious, and we visited the onsite onsen (japanese baths/hot springs) and the dining room, where the food was very kai-seki -traditional kyoto food, presented most beautifully.

in the onsen, i was surrounded by tiny naked old japanese women, one of whom was asking questions to me, through my friend mayumi. i hadn't bought a correct wash-cloth, and i was standing there with a tiny fabric skerrick of nothing, trying to remain as modest as possible while this cute little button of a 90-year-old was asking me about O-su-tu-ralia. you'd think my almost 3 years in japan in the early nineties would have sufficiently cultured-me-up enough to avoid the embarrassing gaijin gaffs that foreigners make in the land of the rising sun.

not so. it took about 3 hours of being in the country before i started feeling that old feeling again. big. awkward. clumsy.

we were there only 4 days or so. we packed in so much. we ate. we drank. we walked, oh god we walked. and we sweated in the humidity. we visited bearing gifts. we nodded. we bowed. princess told me she wouldn't "bow for anyone". then after a few hours of being in a land where everyone bows, she told me she was doing it without knowing, and couldn't stop herself. it's like that there.

we went crazy in a toy store and came home with a whole bunch each of tiny tiny miniature plastic things, like trays of sushi with miniscule chopsticks, all different types of food.














i even bought a plastic display case.

random diary excerpt from japan - friday 17-12-93

----------

Stayed in front of the heater all day, reading Shogun. The descriptions of the courtesans and their "practices" are fascinating. One quote re:

Always remember, that to think bad thoughts is really the easiest thing in the world. If you leave your mind to itself it will spiral you down into ever-increasing unhappiness. To think good thought, however, requires effort... So train your mind to dwell on sweet perfumes, the touch of this silk, the tender raindrops against the shoji, the curve of this flower arrangemenr, the tranquility of dawn. Then, at length, you won't have to make such a great effort, and you will be of value to yourself...*

I like the idea of being simple and aesthetically aware. Japanese are very aesthetically aware, eg. hanami, moon viewing, ikebana, kimono, rock gardens etc.

It feels like the most civilised country on earth; everything is very ordered and precise. But I find it soulless: I like passion and a touch of chaos, emotion and energy. Japan is not like that for me...

Tonight I met Takashi at NHK. We took a taxi to Shinsaibashi, to Hozenji Suji, a famous street of traditional inns and restaurants - narrow cobbled paths, lanterns. It was gorgeous. Our restaurant was a well-known place - we had a private room upstairs and ate mini nabes, fried oysters, sashimi, flounder, wild duck. The food was delicious. After, Mr Ogami had to go home as he's playing golf early tomorrow. Takashi and I went to Hozenji Temple and ate a special dessert - sweet bean soup with mochi - which is said to bring married couples happiness (if shared together). **

At the temple, we prayed*** and I got a fortune. Takashi translated. It was full of warnings. To be careful when travelling. To be careful not to desire something beyond my control. That if I or a friend is ill, it would be difficult to cure. That if I try to take care etc etc I'll be rewarded with limited happiness.

Great. So I tied this piece of paper to the rope to improve my fortune. Then we went and played Pachinko, 1,000 YEN bought maybe 40 or 50 balls. They all disappeared pretty quickly. I saw some people with trays of balls under their seats. The professional Pachinkas (as they're called.)

Hitoshi called today and asked me if I'd sing at his wedding. I firmly declined. He asked me to make a speech so I said I'd do that. But god only knows why - token whitey? - and it'll probably all be Japanese people, don't know how many will be there or anything. I'll have to learn some appropriate Japanese phrases.

I'm not allowed to put water down the sink or use the shower. Damn. Some pipe problem. Did I write about this oilier? Yeah, I did. God I'm boring. I really wonder if anyone would ever manage to read all their way through the entirety of all my scribblings. I'm sure they'd commit seppuku about 1/2 way through.





* lesson here - do not be dismissive of clavell.

** at that time I was not married to Takashi. I can't even remember who he was, but probably a student of mine from NHK. I remember Mr Ogami. I'm reading this and wondering whether Takashi had hopes of a romance with me? If so, I was completely unaware at the time.


*** this would have been me being polite and "culturally immersed".

when god people are so nasty, it's just so sad

why would this woman think that she can say this shit about a man who has just died?

WBC [Westboro Baptist Church] will picket this pervert’s funeral, in religious protest.

why would a god lady, a woman who follows jesus who said to be kind to others and don't judge and first stone and all that, say this?

God hates the sordid, tacky bucket of slime seasoned with vomit known as Brokeback Mountain – and He hates all persons having anything to whatsoever to do with it.

"tacky bucket of slime seasoned with vomit"

why would a god lover, who supposedly is meant to be a good and kind and loving person, say this?

Heath Ledger is now in Hell, and has begun serving his eternal sentence there.

why would anyone say that? why would anyone think that? what a sad mental case she is. i'm sorry this is so badly written. i am speechless. i am without speech. not because heath is dead, but because of this stupido woman opening her mouth and presuming to speak like this. i hope someone kills her.

PS check this: http://www.progressiveu.org/082634-shirley-phelps-roper-wow-have-you-heard-of-her

and this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3PyoUPcobA

when i said i hope someone kills her, seems i'm not the only one.

holding pattern

remember the old test pattern i think it was on the abc because they didn't have enough money to "put more television" on?

well, just think of that happening here.

i'm all kinds of concerned with a myriad of things at the moment, and just don't seem to have time to satisfactorily contribute here.

what i am wondering about:

- wondering how to solve certain bedding issues in the secret life of them flat

- wondering how to get my beloved to see atonement with me on our date friday night

- wondering, indeed, where to go for dinner on our date night friday night. suggestions?

- wondering how hard it's going to be to get my beautiful, wonderful and entirely necessary cooking books out of storage.

- wondering who graham kennedy is on facebook.

- wondering where to store gigi's other bed that we are not using. see, more fucking bedding iss-ews.

- wondering how to approach blogging about the trip. to be honest, it seems old news now. i like to move on, man. but i've promised and i will work out a way.

- pondering the golden compass and the negative reviews etc, nay religious propoganda, that it has attracted. geeze you can't win. "offensive" religious pieces get damned, and then an atheist, yet spiritual and human, movie gets panned as well for being anti-christian. what's wrong with being anti-christian? really, it's not as if atheists want to kill christians and eat them. why can't atheists have a fair go?

- wondering if leo's spaghetti bar really has gone bad or whether it was just an off night on nye?

- wondering whether i should have a martini party and invite just 3 people because i only have 4 martini glasses out of storage. people could bring their own glass?

- wondering whether nicole's pregnancy will go all right. i really hope so. she's so vulnerable.

- wondering which series of books to get princess onto once she finishes the narnia chronicles. suggestions?

what i am reading:

- phillip roth's memoir of his father's illness, patrimony.

- the third in the golden compass series, can't remember what it's called.

- the age newspaper

i am off the trash mags. trying really hard.

what i am cooking:

- soba noodles in dipping sauce

- spaghetti bolognaise

- toast

- coffee

what i am waiting for:

- fegari seafood in hampton to re-open january 21st i think it is. i need, NEED, one of my spaghetti marinaras. with buckets of chardonnay.

- d. chirico bakery to re-open, ALSO january 21st. i need, NEED, some of their bread. but in the meantime i am making do with greg brown's rye and sunflower seeds 1kg bread. a very worthy replacement. may even out-do chiricos. i will do a bread-off when chirico re-opens. anyone care to join me?

- school to re-start. it's always an exciting time of the year. plus then i get my days to myself.